Oh it’s so late and I should be in bed, but I am in this daydreamy place and I can’t seem to get my thoughts to quit whirlin’ so I guess I am going to daydream here for a bit. It starts with just one simple thought about my new plants that just arrived, and it spirals into a web of daydreams so entangles that I can barely sort it all out. I think of a bigger greenhouse, and permanent fruit beds…..trees, bushes. I start to think about a day when I can build a hoophouse that is large enough to garden in, rather than my little, great place to start seeds early, greenhouse. Then I start thinking about how much that will cost and how to get there. That takes me to a place where I start dwelling on writing a book and making up my garden planners. Thinking of writing a book and designing my garden planners takes me back to a place where I am daydreaming about buying a home again. Its a vicious cycle. Buying a home makes me think of the wonderful garden I will have one day, and the cute little garden shed I will buy, and the larger greenhouse and sunrooms…..
Permanence. This place is temporary. I don’t think we will live here forever, and every time I plant a bush or other perennial in the ground I wonder how long we will live here, on this rented piece of property. I wonder if we will move in the spring or fall and if I will have to leave them all behind. I think of it as training time. By the time I have my little plot of owned land, I will have lots of gardening skills. This rain may never stop, and then it won’t matter anyway, cause if things keep going this way, I wont be able to garden much longer anyway. I have responsibilities that I cannot focus on because I just want want get to that place so badly. I imagine it is like when you desperately want your baby to walk, only to realize time goes to fast and you want them little again. I used to daydream about a ranch full of animals, but that dream has changed slightly. I dream of a ranch on which I can house animals in addition to doing whatever other work God chooses for me. The Rocky Mountain Rescue Ranch is going to be a beautiful thing. I believe it is what God has planned for me. Unfortunately I think I have to write a book to get it and I am in no place to do that at the moment. Well, I may be, but if so, I am having a heck of a time focusing on it. I think I am supposed to write a book about shame. I have also been asked to write a book on raising children with PTSD. Oh now that is a high bar….I am feeling a little unworthy of that task, but the therapist who asked me must have had some faith in me. I can imagine sitting on my porch in my rocker writing to my hearts content. I cannot imagine the other order. My whole life I pictured going down a road that led me to a little secluded piece of land where I could write. I never imagined writing would be the path to that piece of solitude, but recently it seems to have been presented to me that that is indeed the answer.
I don’t know how to make myself do the research. There is always something else to do. I have tried scheduling in writing times, but just cant seem to stay focused on the task at hand. Writers block….better labeled researchers block? I guess I should pray about it. I was quite focused in the beginning, but now it is hard to prioritize time for research and writing. I love to do research about all types of stuff….
I earn a little money here and there doing stuff like babysitting, but this is the first time in my life I have been a stay at home mom and dependent on someone else’s income. That is difficult for me. I have been fairly self sufficient most of my life. It is good for me to earn a little, but what I really want is to earn enough to make a difference. I have spent the last twenty years trying to figure out how to become self sufficient with my many skills. It seems as though you have to specialize in one thing to make enough money to go out and buy big houses to do God’s work, and I often feel like my crafts and writing are nothing, never gonna get me there. Other times I really think I can earn enough money doing things like creating, that will get us there slowly but surely (that is the only real way to get ahead right?). I was always taught, easy come, easy go, so I assume that I am not gonna win a lottery (I suppose you gotta play to win). I get so distracted when I start trying to figure out what to do next…
My house has taken forever to make sense of, but it is finally getting there. I have been successfully managing chores and gardening, and it gets better everyday. Now if I could just get baking, crafts, and writing in there, I would have some completeness going on, and be earning. My “new” husband and I are finally, after almost a year, learning how to live together. It has been an uphill battle but we grow closer everyday. It is amazing how different two people can be and still be so in love with each other. As each day goes by, and I get better at managing a whole family rather than just my child and I. Each day, my husband and I get better at understanding and reading each other. It even occurred to me the other day that I might want to go back to college. I have not had that thought in such a long time. It was right outta left field. I don’t think so though…not right now anyway.
I wish I could get all the things done every day that I want to. I think I need to go back to writing my nightly lists before bed so that I can focus on the next day and work through some of the projects that I have been procrastinating. I am having the hardest time focusing. I hung all the chore charts so hubby and son could help keep the house clean, but that seems to have robbed me of the precious lists that I have become so dependent on in my lifetime. I am gonna go write a list for tomorrow. ‘ Night