Well, today was my official last day of peace and quiet for a couple days. The last couple of weeks have been weird, and the last couple of days have finally slowed down, just long enough to let me take a deep breath. I got the housework caught up, as it really got behind while I spent two weeks in shock. I did learn, while I was in shock over the news of my friend, that I cook for comfort. I never realized that before and it seemed so blatantly obvious when it dawned on me. I got three necklaces made today. Two of which are gifts for my friend and her mommy, and one that goes into the inventory bucket for sale. Tomorrow begins a two week stint of every day chaos. There will be no routine about this month! Tomorrow my husband leaves for his cousins wedding rehearsal dinner, and on Saturday we follow behind for the wedding. Sunday we come home late in the evening, and Monday, my most chaotic and un-assembled friend is needing a place to lie her head for the week. She will be here Monday through Friday, and then Friday after she leaves, my cousin is coming into town. She arrives in the middle of the night and will be here for a week. The day she leaves is an expo that I really want to go to, so we are going to do that before I take her to her departure stop. During that time, I am also working on a benefit concert for my friend and a dinner and a silent auction are events to come. At least I got through what I needed to do for the spay/neuter event. The event is Saturday, and I am going to miss it because I have to go to the wedding. It will be the first event I have missed since I joined the committee as the volunteer and food coordinator, and I am a tiny bit nervous about them pulling it off…I know they will, I just have some control issues I guess. I handed off my schedule of volunteers today and notified the person responsible to pick up breakfast that I had some control issues and I was counting on her to get breakfast. I think they will be fine, but I feel like I am missing out. I shouldn’t. We do it three times a year, and I get my fill of spay/neuter every time, but I really dislike missing the events. The garden is done for the year, except for a few last cool season veggies and a couple tomato and pepper plants in the greenhouse, but it is pretty clear they know it is fall.
I am in a weird place…it is not a very compassionate place. I am a very compassionate person…to a fault, but today I find myself in a cynical place. I feel like every person I know has called me or texted or messaged me to complain about their awful, miserable, terrible, horrible days. Some of them have real life changing stuff going on. I feel completely overwhelmed by the horrible things that seem to be happening to the people all around me, but then I hear people crying about their entire day being wrecked because of some five minute event that really could easily be turned around and viewed as a blessing. I find myself feeling impatient with petty drama. Stuff that doesn’t matter, or doesn’t deserve the credit it is being given for day ruining events, and I find myself in a place of brutal honesty…I mean really, If your kid is not dying of cancer, then you have it pretty good right? Really? It’s a perspective thing I guess, but I had to tell two of my friends that they were being ridiculous and overreacting today…and you know what, they both sucked it up, quit crying, and said, “good point”. If you just want to whine and cry about petty problems, I am not the person to call today. If your problems don’t consist of death, sickness, 35 years of marriage falling apart, hungry or neglected children and elderly, war, poverty, horded animals, unsaved souls, or the end of the earth…well, I already have enough on my mind then, thanks.
That about sums up my mood for the day. I am tired of hearing blessed people complain about the things that they don’t have, or the things that might have to endure. I am tired of being around people who cannot see what they have, and I don’t want to be everyone’s ear. I feel like the last three weeks or so have been a bombardment both of people who have very real needs of me, and of people who just need a little attention on them today, begging for my other shoulder. I am currently burdened with the very heavy load of people who actually have real tragedy in their lives, and I can’t carry the drama weight too…
I feel like no matter how hard I try, I can’t make people understand that I don’t just sit home watching soap operas and picking my nose all day just waiting to jump up to listen to them cry or babysit their kids or run their errands or whatever else they may be able to ask me to do…you know, this one big favor.
I have very real responsibilities and goals. I really have a lot of my own life trying to grow and happen and I can’t seem to get that across to them all. I have been here before, only in a very different state of mind. There was a point in my life when I was very codependent. I have since broken that cycle, and no longer feel inclined to give more than I can, and so, I am wondering how to handle this. I find I have become much more blunt with people. Much easier to say it like it is. If they don’t want to hear it they will call someone else, and if it makes them quit crying, well, it’s much more efficient than just telling them what they want to hear and fueling the fire.
As you can see, the over-stimulation that won’t stop is starting to overflow out of me. The first sign that I need some serious down time is that I get a little less tolerant of stupidities! I am dreading the idea of not seeing down time again until some time in the end of October…I can already imagine what kind of mood I will be in by then…Dear Lord, protect me from myself over the next couple weeks please! Hold me strong and keep me while I trod through the days to come. I love you Father! Amen!
My first thought is that I will be ok as long as I keep Jesus beside me! I think that is the thing that is heaviest on me. I have Jesus beside me every minute of my day. He is the only one I feel I can talk to and be candid with these days, and He lays no burden on me. It is a lonely but comforting place to be. I enjoy being lonely with Jesus, but I wish that I could slow down some and enjoy it in solitude and quiet. It is hard to be in this place, and constantly surrounded by people who are not content with their lives. I feel like I cannot help but eventually just fade out the endless drone…and I don’t mean to, but I don’t really have anything to say. It is hard to be contemplative with The Lord when you are surrounded by constant chatter and activity. That is what I am trying to say. So, by now I am sure you are tired of hearing me drone on and on, so until next time (and it might be a few days)… have a blessed day, and may The Lord me at your side always!