Archive | January 2012

What my timeline told me

Oh my, what a revealing little timeline it was! It was very late, and I only did a short sketch of my life, but for the last two days, I have been hit one at a time by a barrage of thoughts I would like to add to that timeline. Significant events changed my life all over the place, but when I got done, I found myself inclined to write, Holy smokes Girlfriend! You have come a long way! I saw in one quick glance, the period of change that went from sad and discontent to happy and stable. That in itself was pretty enlightening. I started going to church, confronted my molester and my family for the hurts they have caused, dreamed the idea of the Rescue Ranch, got my sons disorders diagnosed and became a stay home mom, found peace in my heart, and found a good man worth marrying, in a two year period. Nothing has looked the same since…

I am currently studying the book of James in my Bible Study with Beth Moore, and I can honestly tell you that I think the book of James is at least partially the answer to that question we all seek, the key to happiness. The Bible teaches these things so much differently than my therapist did, but they are easily translatable over one another. They even give different reasons for the desired behaviors, but no matter how you measure it, it adds up to the same amount of insight. My therapist taught me behaviors for my sake, my Bible teaches me behaviors for my sake as well, so that I may please the Lord. Regardless of how you look at it, it comes back to the same behavior modifications. I have had many therapists, but only one was a Christian, and that never came up in our few brief meetings. It’s so hard to watch people do the things that both my Bible and therapist have taught me are unhealthy. I realize that I fail the Bible every single day, but in this one book, I get it better than most of the women, and men, that I talk to. Probably because it was when I learned how to stop letting other people’s behavior dictate my happiness. The only behavior that really matters to me is my own (and my child’s to an extent, but that is a different topic).

I desperately want to help other women, and people in general, understand their value. I also want to help them see how mislead about their own worth they have been. I want to show them that God does not bring evil, Satan does, and God is the one who can carry you through it. I want to be able to help people find that general feeling of peace and well being, that only God can bring in His time. I wish I could help share this with people, but I feel like a lot of people cry and whine and beg the secret to happiness, and when you share what you have found, they don’t want to hear it. Meanwhile, I truly believe if you can come to comprehend the book of James, and that if we learn to consciously curb our tongues, accept EVERYBODY for who they are, and realize that God made them perfectly His, give whenever possible, and just try to genuinely show kindness and love to all we meet, we sure don’t have much to complain about, and we are so much more aware of the small blessings we are so heavily blessed with. When was the last time you made a list of everything you are thankful for? I mean everything…Your dog, cat, child, house, food, husband, sister, mom, dad, clothing on your back, money in the bank, and bank account for that matter. Do you own a car? How about a cell phone? Do you have friends, a job, a computer, the internet, an education…even a high school diploma is a huge blessing. Almost everyone I know, has every one of those things, and yet, people walk around all day seeking more. Seriously? Does your unmet needs list really include needs, or are they really your wants and desires that you have manifested into need? In order to find  happiness, you need only recognize the blessings you already have abundant in your life. And praise God! Once you have found that you are blessed beyond your wildest imagination, you realize that you are content, more patient, more empathetic, and just generally at peace. Thank you Lord, for such abundance in my life. The problem with that, is that most of you reading this do not realize that I come from an estranged and difficult background. I have lost more loved ones than I can count. I was verbally and sexually abused repeatedly as a child, and even some into adulthood, although I manifested it in different ways. I have been down dark, ugly hard paths. I have had my issues with substance abuse and with codependency, as well as serious mental health breakdown, and repair. I have despaired to the depths of the darkest pits, and I have felt joy so far reaching I cannot put it into words. I can find the light in some very dark places, but I have finally found peace, contentment,  faith, and true joy. James, as I dig in, just warms my heart with reminders, that I have found peace, through these very tactics and techniques described in this book that so many people spend their whole lives desperately searching for. Peace is an amazing feeling. Contentment is just beyond description. I wish you all deep peace and contentment, as you wander through this day. Till next time…

Pen to paper

Today I just have a desire to write. Nothing in particular, and a whole lot of everything on my mind. I have found my brain to be full of fleeting thoughts today. The latest being my resume. I was thinking about qualifications I might possess. It just went in and out, but was a moment of passing moments. Times and things I have done to gain the experiences necessary to Rocky Mountain Rescue Ranch. I feel inclined to write a timeline, or a resume that details my preparedness for Rocky Mountain Rescue Ranch. This is something I need to do for me, I think, so that perhaps I can see more clearly what I should be focusing on. I want to ponder on Bible study tonight, and the upcoming weeks in my life. I want to reflect and wander through my brain. I am tired, but not too tired to think. I want to process through the shock that I feel after the benefit, and the shock waves bouncing in the aftermath…beautiful shock waves of support pouring in, as a result of news coverage of the event. I want to ponder on my husbands possible opportunity, and I am desperate for some crafting time, but I have to clean first, as chores were desperately neglected last week while I was busy preparing for my event. All sorts of fleeting thoughts, but I got stuck on the timeline thought. I feel a compulsion to sit down with a pad of paper, and outline how my life has prepared me for Rocky Mountain Rescue Ranch. I feel compelled to detail my childhood and my teen years, as well as my education, parenting background, humanitarian background, and non-profit and ranch work. Somehow, I think this is supposed to give me some perspective. i am not sure what yet, but I will let you know when I figure it out. For now, I am going to do that. Nitey night all…

Rested and recovered

Ahhh…much better. I spent most of yesterday and even part of today laying around or sleeping. I feel pretty rested, but also overwhelmed. I feel somewhat restless, but don’t seem to have any focus. Most of today is a blur, but I did stay productive for a good portion of it. I am feeling pretty desperate for some kind of direction, and I don’t know where to focus. My spay/neuter coordinator called me today to tell me she wants to do a fundraiser to try to get a new van for the spay/neuter task force. I told her we just had to pick something and do it. I also started a cookbook project with my little friends dad, both to raise money for her medical costs, and to raise cancer awareness. We are going to make a cancer fighting recipes cookbook in honor of my friend. I never imagined I would be so involved with cancer awareness, but it seems as though that is going to become a big part of my life for the rest of my life. It seems completely feasible that Rocky Mountain Rescue Ranch could easily add a couple of annual cancer awareness fundraisers. Two a year would be pretty awesome. Heck, one a year would be great. Especially if the ranch I envision purchasing is in the plan. I don’t know if it is or not, but I just keep thinking it would be perfect. I wonder if I can sell my crafts successfully. I guess I need to get time to finish making them first. I have a feeling that things are going to get less productive before they get more productive. I think the benefit was refreshing, but I also feel more confused than ever. I have so many things I want to focus on. I want to tell people what a Highly sensitive person is. I want to educate people about food and health. I want to educate people about PTSD and Shame. I want to tell people about God’s wonder and awesomeness! I want to daydream about my future, and I want to work toward it too.. I feel a bit stuck in that regard. I don’t know how to move forward form where I stand. I had a hugely successful evening on Saturday, but now what. I am doing a bunch of great stuff for my little friend, and I know that a side effect of that is that it gives me skills and connections that will be highly beneficial for me at the rescue ranch, but none of it helps me to move forward in securing a piece of land, and getting a ranch established, so that leaves me wondering what I am missing. I have a myriad of things I want to do, I need to do, and I have to do…and yet, I can’t figure out what is most important to focus on, plus, I feel like my world that was slightly upside down, is about to be pure chaos. I am a highly senstive person. I need down time. I already feel the stress of lack of space where I can get the peace and quiet “recoup” time that I so crave and require to function effectively. I feel energy pouring out the bottom of my feet in a way that only happens when I am really abundant in energy. Decompression is crucial, and if I don’t figure that out soon I will become pretty ineffective. At this moment I feel like I am walking around in a cloud of energy, and I am happy to say that it is energy soaked up at a very positive and love filled event, and so I am really kinda being carried by that energy. When that fades I am going to crash hard! I would like to be able to take preventative measures and prevent that from happening, but when I woke up today, I had nothing to do Wednesday through Saturday, away from the home. By noon I was booked for Wed, Thurs, and Friday. Umm… That is going to hurt by next week, and I don’t foresee routine or the big change I am hoping for coming fast or without some big struggle… I am sure the abundance will play out in a positive way, but I am at a point where I am a little concerned about my mental health if I don’t get away from it all for a minute…or thirty. If you are curious about the highly sensitive personality, you can follow this link to learn more.  http://www.hsperson.com/ It also goes hand in hand with blood type diet, and that is another issue I would like to discuss here. I feel a need to prioritize all of my goals, dreams, and ambitions, so I can figure out how to move forward. My husband has come across an opportunity that could be outstanding, and answer a big question I had about what he would do on the rescue ranch. I can see how this opportunity could fit very well if it pans out for him. It could also mean a long wait. I just don’t know what I am supposed to do. I also feel a slight frustration with the foster care/respite care situation, because I don;t know how to do it in this house. I won’t be able to pass the inspection I need to get the licensing in this house, I don’t have the necessary extra bedroom, much less the right stuff, like fire extinguisher, and the means to lock up all meds. I don’t know exactly what to do about this, and I don’t know how to get the stuff done in our current situation. I feel that it is nearly impossible for me to get that certification in this house, and finding a way to move forward is key in that goal. It seems that the more I crave and strive for routine, the more monkey wrenches get thrown in my plan. It seems like when I had routine, I thought I was bored, and since life got a little more busy, I can’t get a minute of routine to save myself. I am desperate for so many things, and I have no idea which one to tackle first. I also want to spend some time on my organizing and cleaning projects, and some pamper time for me with all my lovely homemade bath and body products. How do I prioritize them all? Even when I make a schedule, I find a bunch of distractions take away form that. Maybe that is what this phase is about, learning how to move forward and minimize distractions. I am gonna chew on that for a while. Well, it’s late. I should get some rest. Big Tuesday tomorrow, and I have not even started my Bible Study homework yet. Home my little one sleeps tomorrow.  Well, beddy by time. Sweet dreams and God bless you all!

Speechless

What does one say on a day like today. Every muscle in my body is in protest, and I am oh so tired… I am numb with shock and joy, and so overwhelmed with the beauty of last nights event that I cannot even wrap my brain around it yet. I think we raised around fifteen thousand dollars for my friend with our benefit event! Wow, wow, and double wow! I have a pile of things in my living room that need to be sorted, but it hurts to walk. Owie…but so satisfied and relieved! I had hoped I could pull this off well enough to not be embarrassed or make a fool of myself, rather, with a little help from some friends, we did something beyond my wildest dreams and I have a huge sense of achievement. I am so thankful to God for doing great things through me! At least this one thing was pretty great, and gives me renewed strength and spirit to move forward on the rescue ranch. I am also going to start a cookbook fundraiser now for my friends…Holy heavens I am tired. Just a quick update on our event and a humble Thank you to my dear creator is all I have today. Take care my friends!

Reflection

What a nice day it has been. Wednesday is kinda my day of rest. I don’t get to rest on Sunday, because there is always a lot going on, but Wednesdays…perfectly restful, and so, as a pattern of restful Wednesdays erupts, I have decided that Wednesday is my day of rest. Oh, I still have to do things like make dinner and tend to my families basic needs, but since it is kinda necessary for Wednesday to be a day of rest for my son, it seems almost obvious to make our schedules work, that it would be mine also. I enjoy that I have my Bible Study on Tuesday, and Wednesday is always a nice relaxing day to kick off the first days homework, as I am in a quiet reflective place. Yesterday in Bible Study one of the other ladies told us this book made her reflective. I told her I wrote a three page journal entry on reflection, and never put it together with the Bible Study. I also got to talk to a mom of a teen girl who has similar stomach issues to mine. I hope that I was able to help her find some answers. Have you ever noticed a kinship to Christians. I find that I want other Christians to know I am Christian, and that if I get any hint that they may be, I cross the boundary quickly into finding out if they may be. I love the bond between Christians. The unspoken knowing that we belong to something beautiful. I had an encounter with a Christian today, and didn’t find out she was Christian till later, but I wanted to call her back and say ME TOO! Yay! Weird? I guess a little huh? I suppose it has to do with that feeling when you know for sure that Christ is real and that The Lord is our saviour. It is something you cannot put into words, and you can’t convince a non-believer…they have to experience it for themselves, but there is something about knowing God is real…that changes the way you feel about all of life. It brings a sense of peace, a calm. It brings a joy and contentment that you just cannot explain. I told out Bible study teacher I thought the book of James was the key to happiness in life, because when I learned those things, is when I gained true peace and contentment, and she looked at me, shook her finger at me like I was nuts, and then told me that I was the second person that day that had told her that. I am curious who else told her that. I would love to talk to them! I know we are not that far into James, but I am standing by it. Key to happiness. If you want to find happiness, find understanding from James.

I am so desperate for snow that I find myself not able to sleep on nights when there is snow in the forecast, and when i wake up and it hasn’t snowed, man it just makes me grumpy! I have faith that the snow will come tonight. Please God, we need snow! Well, I am tired and keep getting distracted, so later, I guess… night my friends!

How much is too much?

What to say or what not to say, that is the question I find myself looking at. I sit here in the quiet of my office, pondering over so many things. The fundraiser, my role in the home, outside of the home, in the church, and out of the church. I have a strong desire to write, but I want to write about raw things. Things I am not sure I can or should put out there for the world to read. Do I want to bear all on the internet, or do I want to close this computer up and find my journal, my good, safe paper journal. I want to do some reflecting. I want to sit down and write out my goals and priorities. I want to put in perspective where I have landed. I want to make a resume as if I am applying for a job as owner of my rescue ranch, what qualifies me, what takes away from that, and focus on what still needs to be done. I want to reflect on my Bible study, and many other aspects of my life as well. I want to reflect. I want hours and hours to just sit, and reflect. I have a now and a couple of thens I want to reflect on. Then past and then future. A good stint of quiet time with no distractions would be great. I have about a million things I want to ponder on. The Bible, Revelations in particular. It occurred to me that the book of James might be the secret to happiness in life. I decided if Bible study continues to go down that oh so painful road it has been down so many times, I am going to tell those ladies to stop it. It has been going on for too long now and they need someone to tell them how judgmental they are being. Quite frankly, it makes me question my peers and I don’t know how to express my frustration. These women are older than me, more mature Christians than me, and yet, somehow I think they really miss the mark or struggle to grasp the simplest concepts and I feel at a loss, and blessed at the same time. Concepts that seems so simple to me seem to be too much for some of these women, most of these women, to grasp, and it leaves me feeling lonely. I feel overlooked in my church, like I have put myself out there many times, and they just look at me like Yeah right? What could you have to offer. I don’t know why I feel that way, but I think it developed over time. I tried to become involved, and nobody really took me seriously. I don’t feel like my pastor or his wife takes me seriously, and I feel blown off by the three women I admired most. I don’t really know what to do about this, but it is the only church I have ever felt completely at home in, so for now, I keep going. I think if I am right, and this blessing is disguise is really what I think it could be, then maybe there is a different church in my near future anyway. I want to do a sit down write up about how my life has prepared me for RMRR, and how God showed me the dream I never knew I had, but that is for my private journal for now.

We finally got snow, and I am stuck on the garden. I can’t stop thinking about growing my own veggies and fruits. I want to plant a garden, and an orchard. I want to buy some bees and some chickens, and I want to be able to take care of my family with healthy food in times of need as well as times of abundance. I wonder if there will ever be times of abundance again…wait, I know we are in a time of abundance, really, and that we are ridiculously over consumptive. I was trying to make a point that those words won’t work for. I long for a routine that allows time every day for chores, crafts, cooking, gardening, sewing, and writing. Oh my, I have big dreams! I might have to do some of those things a couple of times a week rather than every day, to fit it all in. I also work outside the home, providing childcare, one day a week, and it seems to disrupt my whole week. For now, it is necessary, but I imagine that sooner or later we will move further out of town, and I will have to give it up anyway.

I want so badly for this to be it. My chance to move forward. I am not sure if it is, but I hope so. I am patient, and I can wait as long as I need to. As much pressure as I feel to get the ranch going, I know the Good Lord will put it in my hands when it is meant to be. I wonder alot about the “coincidences” surrounding my dreams, and past roles in this community. I can’t get to specific here, but a past connection seems perfect and I wonder if that is supposed to play a part in my attempt to move forward. I need to get a routine established. Get on top of paperwork and other responsibilities. Well, it is time for me to be off to put my young one to bed, so I suppose that is all the rambling you have to endure for tonight. Have a blessed night my friends.

SNOW!

Finally! Snow! At least I think that is what the white stuff coming out of the sky is, and it is supposed to snow all week! Oh thank the Heavens! It has been way too long! I saw on the news last week that we are 80 percent below normal snowpack halfway through the snowfall season. Oh dear Lord, please protect us this summer! I am so worried about the lack of moisture. I remember the red skies and smoke filled mornings of fire seasons gone past, and dread what may be in store for us. The haze that hangs over the mountains, the orange flickers of flame shooting up from behind the peaks, and I worry that this may be by far the worst fire season I have yet to see. I heard a rumor that the last time it was this dry for the winter, Yellowstone burned. That would have been 1988 I think. I am nervous. Very very nervous, about what this spring and summer will bring us. I am afraid crops will be unable to grow for lack of runoff, and I am afraid there will be an overpopulation of animals that would have other gone to natural selection in the harsh elements this winter has yet to see. I am afraid that Yellowstone, or some other wonderful forest, maybe in my very backyard, will burn out of control, and we will endure another season of hazy red skies and the stench of woodsmoke everywhere you go. Don’t get me wrong, I love the smell of woodsmoke, but when it is consuming the very world around you, it gets a bitter smell about it that you can’t quite explain. I imagine it is the smell of green material burning. It hurts your lungs and plugs up your nose. It means you have to brush the ashes off your car before you can go to work in the morning. It makes for beautiful sunsets and sunrises, but it is always in the air around you and there is no escaping it. Oh, I dread fire season.

The ashes will probably help keep my cabbage moths at bay, which is the problem pest I plan to conquer this year. I seem to figure out how to manage one real pest a year. It took me forever to figure out ants. They don’t cross cinnamon, so I put a bunch of cinnamon down in my garden one year. It worked like a champ, or so I thought. I had the best plump red top sticking up all covered in cinnamon powder. I pulled them up full of excitement and anticipation, only to discover that they had just gone under the cinnamon, and there were a hundred or more ants munchin on the radish I pulled up. OK, I declare war! I really don’t want to pour a bunch of harsh chemicals on my garden, or in my soil, so I tried every trick I could find. Vinegar and honey in a dish, dishsoap and such and such… and every other recipe I could find. Nothing worked! I finally broke down and hit the local home and garden store. I was lucky enough to find Grants Kills Ants there. They are ant stakes. They poison the ant by taking it back to the queen, They work. They also come under a different name, but that escapes me right now, but it is the packaging that the competitor uses and is almost identical to the Grants package. I don’t have to put any poisons on my crops or in my dirt. Just stick the little stakes in the ground all around my gardens. I swear by them and I always have plump juicy radishes now! I am now battling the mighty cabbage moth! I have been battling them for some time now, and they got ALL of my Brassica’s this year! Oh I was unhappy about that! I have tried netting the plants, I have tried spraying with onion and garlic infused water…that works for a few minutes, but it smells so bad, like someone bottled up some concentrates BO and you gotta spray it all over them things every day….if the wind is blowing you get the pleasure of smelling like you used cologne eau du armpit that day! It was not effective enough for the little buggers to go away and it was way more work than it was worth! I am on a mission. Another person told me to put ash on all my brassica’s. Well, I am still trying to figure out how to do that, and I assume it will be the same as the spray and need to be reapplied every day. I will get thee…you stubborn cabbage moths!

I am enjoying the snow today, what a cozy day to sit at my blog with a cup of coffee. I have a big list of chores and projects to do today, and after two days of catching up on sleep, I think I am finally ready to bust out that list. I got a few things done yesterday, but not near as much as I would have liked. The few things I did get done will make today’s portion of the chores go much faster though.

I finally sat down and got to work on my Bible Study Homework for the week. I have been a little behind in my daily life as I learn how to add managing a fundraiser to my responsibilities. I did half of my homework last night, and I hope to do the other half today. I just love how God works in my life, and how the Bible study I am in always seems so prevalent in my life at the moment. I am amazed at the way God can take a subject matter, and draw something so pertinent to each of us through each study. Omnipresent, no doubt! I could not have had a more pertinent time to be in this particular study, and so far I love the book of James. I find that in the very first verses, I am blessed with a natural ability to see joy in what appears to be hardship, as I watch the women around me discuss this and read the commentary that Beth makes, I cannot help but notice how incredibly lucky I am to have a natural grasp of this concept. I am a humanitarian by nature, and I look forward to this Bible Study as much as I looked for ward to the Revelations study. I have had so many prayers answered this week. I would not even know where to begin to sum it up, but I think every single personal prayer I have put out there has been blatantly answered with the exception of the one big one, and I have no doubt it is coming in due time. When God feels like I am ready, He will put me there, I am certain, and I have heard His promise. I can be patient, appreciate the blessings and answered prayers, and see how each of them is leading me to the big one. I love God. He is so good!Last week I was feeling stagnant, as though I was here, waiting for something to take me forward. This week I see that I was moving forward the whole time, I just had not come public about it yet. Today I realize that I have had lots of small opportunities this week to get me closer to that big goal, all of which I handled and didn’t even realize I was handling till yesterday. I realize that this benefit is a huge deal, and as much as I went into it for my good friend and her family, it is opening a door to something bigger for me, which I never, ever intended on or considered. It has confirmed for me, a natural leadership skill, and it has opened doors to all kinds of new relationships, many of which could directly affect the formation of RMRR. I have also discovered that I am good at keeping peace among a group of volunteers, and that I can effectively reassure an overwhelmed volunteer that it will be ok.

In the last few days, it seems like a forum has opened up. It seems that everywhere I go, and whatever I do, I get some kind of opportunity to share skills and knowledge that I have acquired. The very skills and knowledge I will be sharing at RMRR. I feel like this has been a huge blessing. I have been talking about the books I am working on with a variety of people, and I feel like I have been blessed to get to work with this community!

My house is manageable, and I even find time for crafting. I am heading a huge fundraiser that is coming together beautifully, and I have a great family. I am being given lots of resources to work with and I am enjoying my Bible Study, with a new Bible Study Buddy! Yay! It is finally snowing, and I am looking forward to what promises to be an adventure filled week! Thank you Lord, for my bounty!