Archive | March 2012

Like nothing I have known

Well, I tell you what, a bulging disk is like no pain I have ever known. Two weeks into Physical Therapy, and I have a slight decrease in pain. I can even sit at the computer for a few minutes without too much pain, as ling as I use good pasture and don’t look down at the keyboard. Nothing like acute pain to make you appreciate health. I have been aching to write, or read, or do anything really, other than sit and try to get comfortable for a moment or two. I cannot wait until the day I can get through one half hour without thinking about pain, or squirming for comfort! I will celebrate that day. I cannot wait till the day I can get through a day without Lamaze breathing techniques to carry me through. I must admit, so far nothing has been more effective for pain management than breathing. I have to force myself to use great posture all the time, which is hard when I am in pain all the time, I just want my whole body to relax so badly. I am getting a massage on Monday, this time on the request of my physical therapist, through a good, reputable, source, and who is aware of the acuteness of my situation. I am really, really looking forward to that! I have redefined my pain scale, as I had no idea pain levels got this high before two weeks ago. My old ten is really an eight. I thought I had felt the worst pain of my life a few weeks ago when I got that horrible abscess in my tooth that spread to my ears and eyes, but no…that was not the worst pain ever. The problem is not even so much the pain, it is that there is NO RELIEF from it, ever. I have spent twenty hours a day in bed for the last two weeks, and I am slowly getting to a point where it feels better to be out of bed than in it. That feeling lasts for anywhere from half an hour to two hours, depending on what I am doing, but then I have to get back in bed or the pain gets to the point where it controls all of my thoughts again. I do feel as though I can finally see some of the positives that come from this situation, but I do not know how the good Lord thinks I can handle this much pain? I have begged Him, pleaded with Him, gotten down on my knees in tears (kinda, I cant really get on my knees), and urged Him to rest His healing touch on me…but to no avail. There must be more to learn from this. Nonetheless, I am feeling hopeful, as I have gotten the pain below a ten and into the single digits a few times the last couple days. I also miss my most positive outlook, as even through happy thoughts, the pain masks them as negative. It is just hard to express anything with a smile, no matter how happy I am about it, and that is hard on the spirit. I am a positive person. I look for the bright side of things, and let me tell you, there comes a point in this pain where I do not recognize myself at all. Pain brings me anger, impatience, intolerance, and general lack of compassion for others. Those are not normal attributes to my personality. As hard as it is to make myself do my Physical Therapy “exercises”, I always feel a little better after a good PT session. While it hurts to perform the tasks, I love the simple little bits of relief I have when I am done. While I struggle to remember posture, and I crave a good relaxed sit so badly, I always feel better when I am conscious of my posture through the day. Ice is good. It hurts more when I first apply it, but as it numbs it feels better, and the long term effects have become pretty obvious to me.

When I start to look at the positives, which was incredibly difficult to do at first, but is getting a little easier as the pain subsides some, I realize that there are several great things to come from this. Because of my own flat screen and chore restrictions when I was a child, those are two areas I really struggle to find balance with with my own child. This pain has not given me a choice, I have had to learn how to ask him to do things, and stick to my guns about it. It is also an opportunity for me to get a long term heal and fix to a problem that has been harassing me for almost 8 years. It will be necessary for me to have good spine health to run a ranch while my husband is on the road for work. I also recall going through a very strange phase of boredom. I don’t get bored. I stick to the old adage that  “only boring people get bored”…well, I learned better on that one. A couple weeks ago I had no desire to do any of the things that I love. I couldn’t find the drive to sew, bake, craft, read, write…none of it. I was just plain bored and uninterested. I had no desire or drive to do any of those things. I just wanted to pack all of my stuff in boxes with very clear labels. Sounds weird, I know. My office is too small to hold all of my craft and office supplies. I am sure it was a desire to control clutter. It occurs to me that the timing of this couldn’t be worse, it’s spring garden time, and if I don’t get my garden going, it won’t exist this Fall. It is not the kind of thing that can wait till I am better. What occurred to me is that my husband and I are planning to find a house this summer, and that maybe I am not supposed to put a ton of energy into a huge garden this year. Maybe I am not supposed to buy a bunch of new fruit trees and perennials. Maybe this is God’s way of protecting me from myself, who am I kidding, I already knew that, but not in this aspect. I assumed I was meant to rest. I am a strong advocate that when you get knocked down, it is because you need to rest and aren’t taking the initiative on your own. Why do I tell every lady I know to take it easy or she will get knocked into bedrest, and then ignore my own advice? I slept 20 hours a day for the first two weeks. It shocked me that I was able to sleep so many hours, but there came a point a few days ago where that changed. There came a point where it felt as good, or better, to be awake, than it did to be asleep. I am now slowly decreasing my sleep hours and increasing my functionality. Slowly. My big lesson this week was “Slow down mama”. Still two hours seems to be my awake limit, but now, instead of two hours awake and six asleep, I do two awake and three asleep. I will take it. It has to be an improvement, and I must admit, that now that I know what real boredom is…sitting and doing nothing, trying to ignore pain….well, I am all sorts of motivated to do all of the stuff I love! Maybe I just needed to catch up on sleep. My son’s sleep disorders take a huge toll on me, and really limit my sleep availability. I wonder if I needed to sleep to find that motivation, or if that motivation was lacking cause I was simply exhausted. Maybe I got that motivation back because I have had a lot of hours to lay in my bed and put it all in perspective. It is pretty hard to have a ton of motivation in my brain, but not in my body. My tolerance level is getting lower, an indication i have spent too much time on the computer, so ta ta for now, my friends, and hopefully I can bring you more cheer and bright side soon…until next time, many blessings!

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Broken

BRoken seems to be the theme in my life this week. My body is broken, my dishwasher is broken, my washing machine appears to be broken, although that I believe is vaporlock. Still don’t know, but I saw what the dishwasher was doing this morning, and that is FOR SURE not vaporlock. I don’t believe in coincidence, but how strange the dishwasher would break at the exact same time the washing machine backs up….And of course, I have this bum shoulder, which is preventing me from pulling out any of the appliances for a closer look. I went to acupuncture yesterday, and it helped some, but I still hurt. There is one factor missing, my husband! He has a little trick he does when I am all jammed up like this, and once I get the muscles to relax, he straightens me right out. It works so good. He may get the opportunity to come home this weekend for a few hours, and if he does, oh thank goodness. If not, I will be calling a chiropractor on Monday. The acupuncturist confirmed my belief that the massage therapist made it worse, she was surprised he was even willing to work on me with my shoulder so acute! Her words, not mine. She also sent me to a PT to get some strengthening exercises. I just don’t know how I can do strengthening exercises before I get adjusted, as it is difficult to move my head, due to the vertebra slamming into each other every time I move. I wonder what the PT can do to get me out of pain quickly, as she seemed to think he would get rid of the pain faster than a Chiro would, and I will admit, the idea of being adjusted today, even by a gentle Chiropractor, makes me want to cry. I believe no matter how gentle, it would be excruciating! So, I will go to the PT today, and keep drinking my “Chiro Klenz” tea. If you have not heard of it, look it up. I was given this tea by a Chiropractor years ago, and I swear by it. If I drink it three or four nights in a row, and trust me when I say it is VERY IMPORTANT that you follow the directions closely, I can lay down in my bed, take a deep breath, and hear my back realign itself. The tea is designed to removes toxins and gas pockets from your body, so be very careful the first few times, cause it will cleanse your system, and you don’t want to take the chance of being far from a bathroom (a private bathroom, preferably). I always feel lighter when I drink it. I use it particular for gut health, because it makes me go when nothing else will, and it is not painful, like some other products can be, but again, I caution you…do not overdo it. I made that mistake once and Holy Heavens it was painful, in a detox kind of way (use your imagination here folks)! It seems to help my muscles to feel light and clean, My spine adjusts, and lots of gas pockets released (the popping sound you hear when you crack your knuckles, or any other joint, is a gas releasing, which builds up between your joints and when you pop them, you are releasing that gas.) My guts feel much cleaner, and I just feel all around better. I am popping like crazy today, every time I move, and it is only a matter of time, until that shoulder gives and my spine realigns! I can feel the stuff around it starting to move! Small blessings! Thank You God! I will take any relief I can get.

I have three recurring health problems, and I believe that I can get each of them healthy through diet. It sounds funny, and of course there are other factors at stake. I have a tooth I need to have pulled. Clearly diet wont fix that. I believe that I will have the opportunity to get them fixed in the near future. The tooth greatly aggravates my TMJ. I never had TMJ pain until that tooth became infected. If I never have to go through that pain again, I am good! If you have TMJ, acupuncture works wonders for immediate relief, however, if you have an abscessed tooth, you have to get antibiotics first.  THat tooth also leads to bad bacteria in my already sick gut. I have poor gut health, and have had a host of doctors telling me it was this or that since I was seven. I finally got so desperate, that I din my own research. I spent days on line, googling every detail I could, till one day I hit the jackpot. It’s all about my blood type, and acids and enzymes present in my body. Or should I say, not present. It turns out gut health is the key to all health (or so I believe at this point). I came across the Blood Type Diet, which went into detail all of the symptoms I had been having, seemingly unrelated, but sure enough. I have become observant in the folks around me, and wow! Gut health, or lack thereof, is a prevalent factor in our society! When your guts are not healthy, you do not process your vitamins and minerals properly, and the rest of you breaks down, starting with your immune system. Once I figured out which supplements I needed, I was able to gain some control over my gut health, but I still need the help of a professional to help me get it all fine tuned. Now if I can find one who will listen to what I have found, rather than blowing me off, because I don’t have a PhD or understand the human body better than they do, although, this time, I think I do. Also, getting that tooth fixed will be huge in getting my gut health under control. Meanwhile, 37 years of not digesting my food properly, has led to a weakened immune system and deteriorated muscles. People always tell me they wish they were as skinny as me. If only they knew how many days I spend in pain, severe pain, and that I would take obesity over skinny, if it meant I could feel acute pain less often. Don’t get me wrong, I am not aiming for obese, but enough meat on my bones to protect me from injury would not break my heart. My third recurring health problem is my back. It hurts, a lot. I believe that as I adjust to the new diet, and my body starts absorbing the healthy stuff I put in it, that those muscles will get stronger, and I will feel all around better. I have been listening to a hunch I have about our food source. I feel a need to get back to God’s way. If we are all to be healthy, then we really need to get back to living the way God intended for us to live, and I feel desperate at time, for someone to discuss this with. In the course of a week, I read about test tube hamburgers, inorganic arsenic in rice, and an animal byproduct wax sprayed on veggies, and I am scared of the food source. Part of the mission of Rocky Mountain Rescue Ranch, is going to be to live as close to God’s way as possible. I plan to raise as much of our food as possible. We eat a lot of game meat also. I came across a book at the thrift store the other day called “Makers Diet” and I really think it makes sense. Between the blood type info, and The Biblical diet, I really feel like I can get a grip on my gut health, and subsequently, the rest of my health. I feel really pleased that I found the Biblical Diet, now if I could find a book on Biblical homesteading I would be a happy camper! Who are we kidding, I am a happy camper, just a little tired of pain is all. Today, I can focus long enough to sit and write an entire blog post, so that must be a good sign.

I can’t wait till I feel good enough to be a functional mom again. Despite the pain, I am in fairly good spirits, but that was not the case yesterday. I was down right grumpy! I tried to explain to my son that it was not his fault, and that my back really hurt, but still, he should not have to live with that. At this point, my garden starts are started, but I have not got a lot of energy to tend them, I have a ton of projects I want to do, that I cannot get started on because I simply cannot focus on anything but this dang shoulder. I have paperwork and business work to do, and I just keep avoiding it. My back has started to align a little this morning, pain is receding, and I actually got a few things done, but I cannot wait to be a fully functional woman again!

Well, Physical therapy was not full of good news, I have a bulging disk in my neck. At least now I feel a bit less like a wuss who has been walking around crying all week about a sore muscle. On the other hand, bummer….no wonder it hurts so bad! I have officially been restricted to bedrest, ice, and a few small walks to go with my PT exercises each day. On that note, I am going to crawl into bed and rest this poor shoulder, because the tyoing certainly doesn’t help. Have a blessed day everyone. Until next time….

Welcome Spring!

With the first day of Spring upon us, I cannot help but think of the cycles of life, particularly death and rebirth. We ushered Winter out with a huge snowstorm yesterday, and I wonder how my Chives, Crocuses, and Tulips are doing under all that heavy snow. I am sure they will be fine! I love the way God planned the seasons. Just long enough that change comes about the time you can no longer stand the weather. The intrinsic’s of His plan make my head spin, when I think about more that just the six days he created us and our home in. When I think deeper than just breathing and eating and sleeping, or the way that the wind feels or the sun on my face, but about the energy that flows between all living beings, the way the cells of things adapt to meet their needs, the very find details of how all atoms and cells work together. When I go to a scientific place, it just amazes me beyond words how intrinsically He ties us and our environment all together. The fine details are more than we as humans can come close to wrapping our brains around, but oh how I would love to sit down and have a discussion about this with a Christian scientist.

This shoulder pain is becoming too much, and I have a call in to the Acupuncturist. I hope she can see me today. I am losing sleep, as I can’t sleep through the pain any more, so I am hoping she can see me today, as it is really starting to be too much. Prescription pain relievers do nothing for me, except turn me into a space cadet, and I am pretty sure that massage therapist I went to made it worse. Now I am a believer in massage, and even enjoy deep tissue work, but he really worked it so hard that three days later it is still swollen worse than it was to begin with. That is no good! Ahh…Acupuncture tomorrow will fix it. It always does. It is pretty amazing how debilitation pain can be. Two blog entries in a row now, I have taken a full day or more to write them, and have had absolutely nothing worthwhile to say. I look forward to feeling better after acupuncture tomorrow morning, and hopefully catching up with some of the chores I have not been able to face through the hurt. I get distracted easily, and have to get up and move around alot. No position is comfortable for more than a few moments. There are so many things I would love to do with myself. I am pretty excited to get a new camera, so that I can take pictures and upload them here, as well as post some of my goodies on eBay.

I have never really wanted much as far as material things go. I have been blessed with the understanding of materials, and how much importance they bear, compared to things like say, time with my husband and son. I have always been happy to just make the bills each month. DOn’t get me wrong, there were some years of poverty in there where I most certainly found myself wanting. I still find myself wanting but generally, my “wants” could often be called “needs”. Well, my needs are met, and have been for quite some time now, and I find myself in a strange place of wanting things that are not needs. Things like a camera, to post my products on eBay, and a new vacuum, because I have three broken ones now, and when I want to clean the floor really good, I have to use at least two of them together. I would love ONE good working vacuum! My third want is a new sewing machine. I have a decent sewing machine that I bought for 60 dollars thirteen years ago, there is nothing wrong with it, I just want a new one. I have a very nice antique sewing machine that I could set up also. It works great, as everything built in America so many years ago did, but I still want a new one, just as selfish as the want gets. That is it. Those are my wants. I know it is selfish and silly to want to replace things that still mostly work, but I am going to splurge on each of those items in the upcoming days.

As far as pampering myself goes, I have started to figure out how to balance that into my week, and I have my haircut scheduled for Thursday. I wanted a cut and color, so I bought a box of die, and I am going to color it at home before I go to get it cut on Thursday. My compromise for frugality. I will probably do the die tonight, although it may wait till after I get stuck tomorrow, because it would be much easier with two arms. I have three projects that are five to twenty minute projects, and I have not been able to make myself tend to them for some stupid reason that I cannot explain. I don’t know what my problem is, I just keep avoiding them. Ugh! I gotta go to bed, try again tomorrow! Nighty night and God Bless…

The cycle continues

And here we go, time to do it all again. It is Sunday afternoon, Hubby is off to work, and boy is getting himself geared up to go back to school, after a week of being very lazy. It’s not true…he wasn’t so much lazy, as different from the norm. Instead of school, he went to the hot springs and on respite missions with me. He had play days with other kids and was fairly busy the majority of the time. It’s just fun, instead of school. I am sitting here thinking about my list, and what my week holds in store. I have a client who needs so much more than I can give her. It’s hard to say no to her, but I know that I cannot see her and cater to her every day without wearing myself down. I have been going, going, going for a week, and I desperately need down time. I will not be effective for her or my own family if I do not take it.

Well, it is Monday now. Too many distractions to finish up last night. What a strange day today seems to be shaping up to be. Last night I was doing laundry and dishes, and the water backed up both in the laundry room and in the kitchen. I had been running water all day with no problems, but all of a sudden the large amounts of water coming out of my drains have me concerned. I believe that the only factor that changed was the abundant amount of snow, and I can only hope it is just vaporlock, and that when the snow melts the problem will pass. I should know this afternoon. We do have a huge amount of snow, and it is possible that it will snow another foot over the next twenty four hours. It would be good if it was just vaporlock, as my husband is out of town for two weeks and I have no idea what to do if that is not it. I guess I will be spending time at the laundromat. My showers, sinks and toilets still seem to be draining, but they put out much smaller amounts of water at one time.

I am becoming increasingly aware of American’s quick rise of poor gut health. I am suffering from poor gut health, and it is a doozy, the way it can turn your life upside down. I am slowly becoming an expert on gut health, and It pops up in front of me every single day lately. Everywhere I go, people are sick to their stomachs. Every source of media talks about the causes and factors of gut health in some way. I was pleased to find a book called “Makers Diet”, at the thrift store on Saturday, and I am pretty thrilled about it. I have always had a hunch that if we got back to living off the land more like God intended, we would be a whole lot healthier. This book confirms my hunch, and the diet itself does not look too hard, as a matter of fact…it looks pretty darn tasty and fulfilling, go figure! I think I am going to have to start a section for gut health and share my findings, as a lot of people seem to struggle with it.

I love the Weather in the Rockies! I love that one day it can be 60 and sunny,and the next we wake up to a foot of snow! It is wreaking havoc on home, as it is affecting internet performance, water availability, due to vaporlock I hope, and television reception.I have to do a couple errands this afternoon, that I am dreading, but I am going to go for it anyway. There is a foot of snow, with an inch of ice under it, on those roads, and I am not anticipating that the snow will stop soon.

I am finally very motivated with some focus in the forefront again. I feel as though I have been a slightly ineffective person in the last few weeks, although It is not true, I have not been effective at the things I have planned on getting done. Nice to have focus again. The incessant aching in my neck and shoulder is getting a bit old, and slows me down a bit, but I can forget about it occasionally. I believe that an Epsom salt bath and stretch session are in my near future. I think I might even throw some Rosemary oil in there for that dang shoulder!

I made a pretty tasty cream soup tonight. With just me and my boy here for dinner, we eat a lot less more simply than we do when Dad is home. Neither of us has a very large appetite and quiet frankly, a full meal is just too much food. We had some delicious toasted garlic bread. Dinner was awesome. My boy is tucked into bed, and I have nothing profound to say today. Later, my friends, and God Bless!

 

 

Gifts

Today I am thankful for..My life, and all of the ups and downs it took to get here. I am thankful for my special ability to see the good in the most negative of situations. I am oh, so grateful for a chance to do God’s work, and especially that He gave me special skills for helping, sick, wounded, scared, and needy. I am so thankful that he made my heart one that comforts and warms people.

Today, I am blowing kisses at the sky, because I cannot contain the love pouring out of me. I want to scoop up random strangers in the store and just hug them like I have known them my entire life. I have not been able to stop the slow trickle of happy tears at any point today, and I feel silly, but how else do I get this overwhelming abundance of love and joy out?

I sit back and take a look at who my clients are, and it is clear how he equipped me to help each and every one of them in a special and individual way, and then it occurs to me how blessed I am to even have clients. I have no formal education…just the education that life has to offer, but it clearly is a valuable education, because I am now making a difference in so many people’s lives. This week, He showed me how equipped I am for the job. I am ready to move forward, and on the hunt for a new house. One that will accommodate the beginnings of the Rocky Mountain Rescue Ranch. I am thrilled at the notion of starting up the foster and resource counseling programs.

My week started out slow, boring even. On Tuesday morning, I had a clear schedule for the week, and but lunchtime Tuesday, my entire week had been booked solid with plans, commitments, and people in need. I found myself calmly rolling with the punches one after another, non-stop. At some point after an incident with four boys under the age of 14 in my home, three of whom are diagnosed with AHDH, well…you can imagine. Anyway, I walked away from the situation calmly. I never raised my voice and was able to quickly submit all four boys to calm, acceptable, indoor behavior, through rational discussion. It was wonderful. I was slightly dazed as I walked out of the room, wondering when and where I perfected that skill? At what point did I abandon my irrational, enter scene and take control through power and volume, and learn to calmly dissolve an elevated situation? I know it happened some time in the last fifteen years. So, situation after situation presented itself, and I realized that I have somehow, somewhere, learned how to handle a series of situations, calmly and rationally, and even overflow that feeling, to those around me. I am thankful for THAT! I am thankful that I have learned to recognize when I am getting overwhelmed and let my family and friends know I am going to take a day or two to recoup. I am thankful that I have acquired enough clients that I feel as though I have outgrown my home. When did that happen? I am thankful for the wisdom to see that this is not about money, but about what I have been training for my whole life, raising up strong, healthy, community members, and the ability to translate that to mothers who feel guilty because they cannot pay. Sure I take cases of peaches as payment too, but if you can’t pay, you can’t pay. That doesn’t mean that I am not supposed to do the work. I am so incredibly flattered, that I was chosen to make a difference in so many people’s lives. I feel as though I have been in training my whole life, have barely begun my work, and have already made a difference for so many people, I can only imagine what my lifetime will bring. Oh, I am so excited about this next chapter or my life.

I am thankful for the diverse friends I am being introduced to, and the unique perspectives of some really good folks. I am thankful for the realization that I can, and should, go out to lunch with my good friend, without feeling guilt about spending money on something that is a “want” rather than a “need”. It truly is a need, the fellowship and discussion. It lifts me up and gives me one more chance to glorify Him. In my search for a home to continue Rescue Ranch work in, I came across one that seems appropriate, realistic. I am confused by it’s location, but I have had several thoughts about that, and maybe it is, maybe it’s not, but I won’t find out if I don’t pursue it. Tonight, I write the email that starts the ball rolling, and I watch closely, for signs of His intentions.

I am thankful for my family. My husband…how lucky can a gal get to find a man who supports her taking in a host of sick, needy, hurt, and abandoned creatures of various sizes, shapes, and species. It really is a lot of work and a heavy burden to put on someone who does not feel passionately about the situations. I am lucky, oh so lucky, to have a husband who supports me, in my desire to change the world, one broken piece at a time. I am thankful for his new opportunities, and the doors which they have opened for us as a family, and as individuals. I am thankful that they bring him peace. I am thankful for my son. My very well adjusted, Aspergers boy. I feel so blessed and lucky to have been given the gift of raising this incredibly gifted and loving child. I am thankful that he is exactly who he is. I will take the struggles that we face, over the pressures of drugs and alcohol, and other teen behavioral issues, any day. I feel thankful that we were able to embrace our diagnosis and take the opportunity to educate others about the joys of Autism, rather than be ashamed and feel that something is wrong with us. I am especially overjoyed that my son has the perspective of “teach don’t hide” the special needs.

Today I feel called, to calmly lead people who have never known safety or trust, to a safe and trusting place, and that, my friends, is the best blessing of all!

What a strange place I am in today. So far the pamper me time is going great, but today I have no desire to do anything at all. My house is clean, my plants are watered and the baby sprouts are coming up, getting ready to head out to the greenhouse.  Spring is in the air, the chives and crocuses have arrived. I should feel vibrant, beaming even, but instead I have a low buzz of “I don’t want to do anything”. What on earth do I do with this feeling? I am happy, generally content. I have a new client, who baffles me but I feel at peace, as though she was brought to me for reasons only I can understand. I feel as though my life is in order for the most part, but I have no ambition. Surprisingly, I look around me and see order everywhere, and wonder if I am bored? The sky is gray and dreary, but the weather is warm, perfect for being outdoors, doing spring garden clean up, but not me, I am in here, writing this silly blog, trying to figure out where my drive went. The past week or two have been above and beyond relaxing and peaceful, and I have slept more than I ever do. What a strange funk. Happy and content, with about as motivation as a person with severe depression (I mean no judgement there, as I have suffered from severe depression in the past, I am speaking from experience). I have a great book I am looking forward to reading, but can’t seem to make myself pick it up for more than a minute or two. I have little desire to journal or do crafts and I just don’t know what is up with me. I am very bored with sitting and staring at this point. I am content and bored. I heard one time “only boring people get bored”, and I am a little stuck on that. I think I need a change. I don’t think a haircut is going to do it, although I still haven’t gotten that haircut, I think it is because that is not what I really want. I want a real change (and a haircut, so I will do it eventually).

I realized that I reached a place where I need a big change to move forward, and that change is in the process of happening, but I think I just sat down to wait, which is very unlike me. I cannot remember the last time I felt bored, of all things. I want to move really badly. I feel that I have reached most of the goals that are possible for me  to reach from this home, and I want to move somewhere with some space. While we own our home, we rent the land that it is on, and unfortunately, the world has become a place where limits are a must, due to the sue happy nature of folks. Our son is not aloud to climb trees, ugh! Really, we aren’t aloud to do anything, add raised beds, gardens, walkways, dog fences…nothing, and so, it is time for a little more space. I need a change that includes a yard I can fence if I so desire, so that on wonderful days like today, my dogs can be in the yard with me without having to worry about them running into the highway after a deer. Now, I feel guilty going out and enjoying it without them, and so I am sitting here with them, not being productive. we do out treks to the woods, but even when we get home, they just look at me out the window like “c’mon, let us out”. I tried tie-outs, which I am a firm believer against, but if I am out there with them…so I justified. They just get tangled into a little ball and stand there staring at me in a pack of dog statues. Not to mention, they have officially broken two of the three tie-outs quickly. I am ready to move forward in my life, but don’t know how to do that from this home. At least I finally figured out what the problem is, should make it much easier to tackle, and I am thankful that my house is clean while I do.

Aha…well identifying the problem has brought some ambition and motivation, so that must be a good thing. I have a client who weighs heavy on me, but I don’t know what to do. I have peace about it. God will lead me. My son has acted up a bit since dad’s career change, so we are addressing that, and I myself have had health scares this month which have caused me to reevaluate everything about my life and how it functions. I love God, and have a desire to talk to Him every day, but feel completely alienated from my church…

Well, on that short and sweet note, I am going to go do something with this newfound information…anything! I am going stir crazy!

The kings daughter…

I fought a war against co-dependency, and I won. I fought a battle against poverty, and I won. I went to combat against mental health instability, and I won. I spent years of my life in boot camp, training in all the right moves to conquer the evil that gets deep under out skin, and I spend my life as a drill instructor, teaching, training, drilling people to understand their worth. I beg, I plead, I empathize and I spend my days praying that others will see how beautiful they are, how much more they deserve. I want people to see themselves the way God see’s them. I want them to understand His love the way that they love their own children. I want them to all see how He looks down upon us, His children, the way we look down on our own children. I want them to know that unconditional love. I want every woman to know that she is the kings daughter! That SHE is a princess, and deserves to be treated like one. I spend my days trying to convince overwhelmed and under appreciated moms and sisters that THEY are princesses…daughters to the king…who else do they need to impress? Meanwhile…it has become very clear to me that I never learned how to treat myself like a princess, like the daughter that I am, washed in his blood and deserving of the throne, through His grace and forgiveness. I want others to understand that this is His gift to us. How is it that I can devote my life to helping other women break free from their chains, while I am still tied to this condemnation of self. When do I learn that I too, deserve those very things that I am pleading with others to receive for themselves? Maybe I already know, but I sure do struggle with implementing a plan. Today, I made a new category, because yesterday I made a new rule. I will be spending time pampering ME. What a strange concept…spend money to get my hair done, I can hardly imagine that being ok for me. Other folks do it all the time, but I, myself, do not splurge like that. Eight dollars to go swimming in some healing mineral waters…are you kidding me, that seems like highway robbery. Even if it is one of my favorite pastimes, we can’t afford for me to blow 8 dollars on a frivolous day of soaking and swimming! What a waste of money…  this is a typical conversation in my head, when I want to do something for me. Why is it that I think that I am not worth the 8 dollars to spend an afternoon in some healing water, or even fifty, for a haircut?  Why have I abandoned my stretching mat and candlelit meditations? Why do I quietly wish someone else would notice I am a good, hardworking, albeit tired, person, and deserving of a break? Why should they recognize that if I don’t? I feel as though I recognize the tired part all of the time, sleeping doesn’t make it better. I have been told three times, by three different people, that I deserve a break, a healing break. Not the kind of rest you get when your sick, but a healing and rejuvenating vacation, was what one lady said. I have never done that, and cannot imagine what it must feel like? I have spent 30 years taking care of other people, putting everyone before myself. I have learned how to weed out the ones worth putting before me, and the ones who are not, and so I claim to have broken the co-dependent cycle. I realize, this week, that I only let go of part of that co-dependency baggage, and the rest I am carrying like a weight I refuse to let go of.  I am spiritually healthier than I have ever been, mentally, as well. I feel balanced and in control of my “life”. I quote life because for me being in control of my life means that I have faith that God is in control, and as long as I trust Him and keep moving forward, life will be grand.

The health problems I have encountered have put this into grand perspective for me this past week, and I realized that I need to treat myself like that princess I am talking about. I need to pamper myself as though my life depends on it. I am pretty convinced this week that it does. I realized that stress takes a toll on me unlike the average person, due to my highly sensitive nature. I process stress like a poison. It shuts me down. Every muscle in my body aches, every day. I have digestive issues, oral health issues, and now female health issues. I don’t have the option of setting my pain aside anymore, as I literally feel like I am rotting from the inside out! My body seems to be attacking me! I have always told women who run themselves too hard, that if they don’t rest, God will force it on them. I don’t really believe that He brings the darkness of sickness to his children, but I believe He can get you through it. It’s just my way of saying, if you don’t rest, you will be forced to. Well, here I am staring my own stubborn desire to put it aside and keep going, in the face. Makes me feel pretty hypocritical. How on earth can I stare these women in the faces and tell them to take care of themselves when I am not doing the same for me? I try to demand it, but I never actually do it.

So here I am today, I have spent the last three days in deep contemplation, about why I don’t know these things, and how to learn them. I am really thankful for the internet as a research tool. It gives me endless hours of looking for ways to put my plan into effect. I have spent years learning about home remedies and spa products, to try to figure out my health problems. They all feel great, but I never considered the health problems could be related to lack of decompression time, which is pretty ridiculous given who I am and the amount of time I spend researching things like sensitive personalities and complaining about how fast life is today. I can tell you I process stress through my stomach, but have been searching and searching for answers to my digestive issues for over thirty years. Hmmm…left the logic at home on this one, huh? Oh, I have physical symptoms as well. It’s a blood type thing, not making the digestive enzymes I need to process food. I got it figured out, but don’t feel a lot better. Gee, could stress be the problem? I made rules about stress this weekend though, and I am putting my stubborn foot down and sticking to my guns on this one! I will learn to take care of myself. I will learn to meet my own needs first (or at least second or third). First and foremost, I will be requiring some pampering! There is just no question about that. As soon as I started looking for ways to spoil myself, I was motivated. I started thinking first about a haircut, a cute one, not just a trim, which, by the way, I do myself in my own bathroom. I am going to get a hairstyle, and I am excited about that! It made me want to go through all of my old make-up, get rid of the old, yucky, and take an inventory. I decided I would dress up one day a week. I love my comfy clothes, but often wish I had a reason to put on more fancy clothes and go out. Who needs a reason? I am going to wear my heels and pretty make-up sometimes, if only for my husband and son. If only for myself. Today, I am going to splurge, spend the 8 bucks, and do some serious warm spring water soaking, and oh my, I am nearly in happy tears at the thought. I won’t lie, I cried when I told my husband I was doing it. He is such a good man. He was very supportive, at least of the ideas. We shall see when it comes time for me to put them in action. So far, so good!

I have made it my mission to get healthy, To get me healthy and meet my needs, and as I learn how to do that, I am going to share it here with you. Some of it may seem simple, and silly, but I am just an infant in this world. Realizing I do deserve a professional haircut was a huge step for me, or that I could spend eight dollars to go swimming. So, I am off for a soak in some hot springs, and let me tell you…I have no guilt whatsoever about it! Have a nice day all, and remember, God gave you blessings so you would utilize them…enjoy something nice for yourself today! It doesn’t have to be expensive, just relaxing! It doesn’t have to take a long time, 15 minutes in a hot Epsom salt bath is wonderful! Do you have a candle? Light it! Count your blessings, thank God for them, and then enjoy them!