Archive | 9.22.2012

Chatty Kathy

Hello and good morning my friends. Miss chatty Kathy at your service, and, once again, I have nothing in particular to write about, but a strong desire to do so anyway. You poor unsuspecting souls are in for one “chatty Kathy” post. I spent some time in my journal, and with my lists last night. It felt good to get my brain unclogged, but still, I tossed and turned all night. It has been quite some time since I have struggled with insomnia, but this week has been killer. It is really a good thing we don’t have anything going on in the mornings, or I might be pretty miserable right now. Always thankful for small blessings, I am feeling pretty grateful for my lack of early appointments this week. Mom’s lyme is kicking her butt, but she is making an appointment with a specialist. I am also thankful for that blessing, and it doesn’t seem like a small blessing at all, rather a large, in your face blessing. Just a few days ago I was under the impression that she would go to a specialist as a last case resort, but she feels so crappy she is going. THANK YOU LORD!

I am going home to see her in August. I have not been home in almost twelve years, and it will be interesting, to say the least. Ugh! August in South Dakota! Its hot enough for me here, much less going back to SD during their hottest month. I do hope to see a killer thunderstorm while I am there. Don’t get me wrong, the storms here are precious in their own rite, but nothing compares to a good old midwestern thunderstorm, where the lightning cracks down hard in your backyard, lights up the whole sky, and causes you to take pause for just a moment at the awesomeness of its power.

I think smoothies are on the itinerary for today. It is hot out. A scorcher. This is the first year ever that I have read the Farmers Almanac, and actually paid attention to see if it was accurate. So far, right on the mark. Today is going to be a fabulous day, and tomorrow will be even better. Before I know it, the weekend will have come and gone, in an oh so rewarding and productive way, and I think, that just maybe, next week might slow down a teeny for me. I anticipate next week being gloriously slow. I hope that it is so slow, that I am able to garden, clean, pack, and craft every single day. THAT would be a fabulous week for me. I think TaeKwonDo is the only thing we have going next week, and well, I love that!

It is funny how most parents dread their child driving. I am looking forward to it, but, I mostly trust my child. Rules matter to him, and he makes good decisions when it comes down to the stuff that really matters. I cannot wait until he is old enough to drive. We are so close to that, and I will start teaching him as soon as we find our ranch. I just think it does so much for their independence, It will be fabulous when he can drive himself to his classes, run to the grocery store for a gallon of milk, do some of the little tasks that distract me all day long, but also, I look forward to him being able to go pick up his best friend, and go to the movies, or go fishing. My child loves Jesus so much, he always wants to make Him happy. He is vehemently opposed to alcohol and drugs, to a point of fault when it comes to judging others, but I would rather have him judge others harshly, than accept them and join in their escapades, so we will work on judgement slowly. Right now I see it as a protective mechanism. As long as he thinks “druggies” are people he doesn’t want to hang out with, then I will let him feel that way. I will, some day, have to get through to him that people are just doing what they have the tools for, and that Jesus is the only one who has a right to judge. He gets that most of the time. In a conversation about some kids bullying him, I explain a little about the parents, and tell him that maybe some day we can teach them about healthy life skills at the Rocky Mountain Rescue Ranch, and he says to me, “But mom, we have to treat them like everyone else, we can’t be mean just because they bullied me”. He gets it. I love that child so much. So much wisdom in such an innocent little boy. My son has a heart to teach children. He loves to teach in the childrens church on Sundays, and I have a feeling he will find himself teaching kids martial arts also. It warms my heart to see the way he enjoys leading children. He says he wants to be a pastor or a scientist. I can see him being a youth pastor or a science teacher. Even as a white belt with a love for his art, I see him gently correcting kids younger than him with higher ranks. He smiles so softly and gently corrects them. It is beautiful to watch. When he turns sixteen, he can do a leadership class in TaeKwonDo, and I believe he will be as excited about it as he is with every other teaching opportunity. Now that I think about it, his therapist has told me many times that she sends us kids that she thinks my son can socialize. That sounds horribly mechanical, rude, and a little like a dog handling technique. It just is what it is. One aspergers kid teaching another how to hang out socially. They do it very differently than the average children do. Its a lot more sitting next to each other doing their own thing and sharing their progress with their friend, than enjoying the same activity together. Often, one has a book and the other a computer, or both are sitting all cuddled up on the couch with their laptops playing different games, and trading with the other when they need help. Its pretty adorable. The most precious thing is seeing these kids learn to touch and be close. That is a skill that every one of them lacks. My son is good at it for some reason, and when the other kids learn to trust him, they want him to be touching or nearly touching them, quite often. I can only assume that this is because of their sensory differences and the lack of touch most of them have allowed in their lives. Finding someone you feel safe enough with to have that touch trust is huge when you have never had it before. I read that traumatized babies have trouble making a certain bond. I tried the experiment at home with kids I knew that were both PTSD children, and non traumatized kids. What I found was that the PTSD kids, when I gently rubbed their chins, opened their mouths and leaned into that gentle chin caress like they were starving for it. Typical, non traumatized children barely noticed the act of chin caressing, and it was like a normal behavior for them. Not one of them leaned into it, or even really showed a reaction at all. Touch is a HUGE part of our safety net. It is something we all need from infancy to death. For some of these kids, it feels very different to them than to the average person. It is a hard need for some of them to get met, and it is amazing to see my son work around it.

Well, beads are sorted and calling to me…so off I go! I hope you all have a lovely day!

 

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Distractions

Always a new distraction. So much on my mind. I used to make lists. Every single night before bed I made at least one, sometimes several, lists for the following day. I had a routine, got up early, long before anyone else, and got started on my list. My lists included everything, including the basic, mundane, daily tasks. I just find I am so much more clear headed and focused, and so much more productive, when I have it all on a list and don’t have to file it in my brain. I don’t swirl over the same thoughts over and over again. I just get one with the list. My lists are unattainable, more than one person could accomplish in a day, but whatever doesn’t get crossed off that day goes on that nights list for the following day. Well, when I hurt my back, this habit abruptly left me, as I was spending twenty hours a day in bed, and unable to complete the simplest of tasks on my own. Now, I have been back to life for a couple weeks, my pain is minimal, and I am fully functional. The problem with that is that my sleep schedule is inside out and upside down, there is NO sense of routine whatsoever, and even when I can get myself to make a list, I never force myself to get up early and follow through. I wish that summer was a more relaxing time. I am finding that heat really takes a toll on me like never before, and i hope I outgrow that in some “seven year cycle”. I have a pounding headache. I even resorted to headache meds, which I rarely do unless I just can’t hack it, but this is a full blown migraine. I am struggling with a very strange dynamic, of being highly impatient to find my ranch and move forward, but it seems like every day something forces me to puch it back a minute, and I am for some odd reason, completely content with that. Its as if I know it is here so I am willing to accept that and take my time, start looking when it feels right. I know we are so incredibly close to that point, so I am just ok waiting for it, and all of my plans now, include a move. Like planting grape vines in fifty gallon containers so they can be moved. Summer is so full of distractions. Today, I daydreamed about how great it would be to bundle up in winter clothes and play in the snow, but I think it was that part of me that appreciates the lack of distractions in the winter. I can’t focus! I started a Bible study, and got distracted. I have spay/neuter coming up, hubby surprises me with an unexpected trip home that always throws a tiny monkey wrench in things. I just feel like around every corner is a distraction. Something gets us out and about every day. The problem here is that I don’t want to be out and about every day. I want to spend a little time with my reclusive nature, get myself back on track. I want to spend some time in my journal, and in my crafts and that wonderful bounty of material I have in there. I have a plethora of beads that I just spent days sorting, and I want to bead like a crazy lady. My house is messy, oh so messy. I started packing some stuff we most certainly should not need before we move, even if it is three months from now, and it may be. I have small piles of stuff laying around everywhere, and every room seems so messy. It won’t take long to clean any of it, but focus…everything is so disrupted. i harvested my first batch of raspberries for the season tonight. Very pleasing. I watch every single days for cucumbers, tomatoes, peppers and squash. I am ready for harvest and preserve time. I am so looking forward to veggies I grew. They are always so much better.

I am so distractable these days. I don’t know how to make summer slow down for a minute. I can’t seem to get my sleep patterns into an efficient schedule, and that keeps me from doing anything efficiently. I am longing for a few days of Fall. I would love a slight chill in the air, and a good reason to say no to all of the endless summer activity, and yes to home. I love it when I can smell the dew rolling in off the mountains late at night, a slight breeze in the air, and thick with the scent of pine forest. As much as I know that any rancher reading this will shake their head at me, I love the sound of the coyotes talking to each other in the distance at night. I could spend days inside my head, talking about all the little thoughts, the things I am thankful for, the responsibilities I need to face, the lists I need to make and follow through on. I have a ton of hopes, dreams, wishes, and hangups just looming in the front of my brain like a jumble of chaos trying to find some sense of reason.

I have a sense of contentment, like one of these days will be free to regroup, darling, meanwhile, just keep doing what you gotta do and all will be well. I just keep moving forward but I feel as though the sense of longing has been fulfilled. I feel as though it is here, I just gotta take it easy and wait for it, because when it really gets here it will be a whirlwind.

DO you see how distractable I am? Like a child with full blown ADHD, every thought is as prevalent as the last and the next. I just long for focus, and a period of routine. I need to put all of these distractions aside and focus on the real goals here. I need to get back in site of my path, and keep moving forward….Oh, my friends…wish my luck finding my routine again! Until next time, God Bless!