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Ahhh, my friends, Fall is here. Well, this feels more like Winter, quite frankly. It has been snowing almost all week, and been quite beautiful at that. I have enjoyed every single flake that I have seen fall. There is so much going on, and I have been absent this last few days, but I found a moment to take a deep breath, and so, here I am. I had my eye on a place, and was feeling quite apprehensive about it, despite the fact that it was perfect for our needs. I had asked for them to work with me on a move in date, for Dec. 1, but she really wanted to rent it by Nov. 1. I knew we would not be ready by then, so I told her that if it was available on Dec. 1 we would take it, and if not, we would find something else. Today, I very apprehensively checked the rentals section, afraid that I would be devastated if it had been rented. Much to my surprise, when I looked and it was not there, I felt a huge sense of relief. Not only do I not have to worry about coming up with nearly 4000 dollars for December 1, but the Holidays are a terrible time to move, and ideally, January 1, would be a great move in date. I don’t believe in New years resolutions, but I do believe in new beginnings, and how fitting would it be to start the rescue ranch the first of the new year? Shocked and overwhelmed at the sense of relief that I have, waiting till January First, and oh, how pleased my husband will be to find that we dont have to move during the holidays. I have until January first to tie up some loose ends, and that is also a huge relief, plus, I just cannot packing this place up in a month, I just cannot fathom doing that, on top of everything else I am doing. We have a spay/neuter event on Nov. 10, that I am an on the planning committee for, and I have a potluck for my little friend with cancer tomorrow. I also have all this RMRR stuff I am trying to do, and a cancer awareness cookbook, and a few other fundraising type things. Good heavens. I feel like never in my life have I been attracted to technology, but never in my life, have I wanted a piece of equipment so badly. I feel a need to buy a tablet. Silly, I know. I have three different committees that I am on, a lot of meetings that I go to, and clients that I need to be able to bill on the go, and I am feeling like a tablet would go a long way in helping me organize it all, and keep it portable. I also have my Bible study to move forward on and well…its all a lot of details, really. Needless to say, I have been busy. Very, very busy. I definitely feel that it would be a business expense, but I am saving every penny, so I can get us into a ranch. I have made do with paper and pen this far in my life, never even really wanted anything but paper and pen, but dang, my binder has a lot of stinkin sections…its not very portable anymore, and well…you see where I am going with this. Anyway, I just might do it. Have to talk it over with the hubby, but I think it makes actual sense.

I have a lot on my mind with three non profits on my plate, and one just waiting in the wings for me to make time for them. I have business licenses and other connections to make. I have a whole lot of details going on. I am trying to do many, many things with my time, and my brain cannot see a list. It sees three lists, swirling around atop and below each other. A tornado of lists, if I may. I have tried to list them all, but the papers just stack up and I cant remember what I have written and what I still need. How do I get all of these details organized?

Once I get the three non-profits organized, I reach a place where I start thinking past them, to what comes after the event is established, and again find myself with a barage of details. Primarily with RMRR. I feel that as soon as I find a place, I need to start planning the respite and foster programs. I need to have everything in place for those to start right away, I need to plan the gardens and farmers market programs, quickly, cause planting is in march, at least for seed sets. I need to plan the RMRR store, and resource programs quickly also. Chickens won’t be far off, once spring rolls around it will be time to get them going. It feels like the next six months is going to be a blur, and yet, I have been waiting so long for this  that I am just as thrilled and patient as can be. Mostly, I am probably just too overwhelmed to be impatient. I can only assume God is using this opportunity to teach me how to juggle the many non-profit programs of my own that I intend to build. I finally found the courage today to make a phone call that I have been dreading. Nothing scary about it at all, I just couldn’t make myself call. Feels good to have faced that beast, and it turned out to be the kitten I thought it would be. Phew, check one more big one off the list.

I have this series of ideas I want to blog about. I learned a lot in therapy, and I think that a lot of people would be alot happier, if only they could grasp a few of these concepts. I also have some ideas about God and the Bible that I would like to share, some unique perspectives, I suppose. I feel as though I should do a “therapy” series. Maybe a “God” series. I certainly feel as though I should blog about some of the more important lessons I learned. A post specifically about being a “special needs mommy”. I always talk about my special needs child,a nd my special needs clients, but never do I talk about the ways in which I relate with these children, and I would like to explore the dynamic that happens when you learn just how easy it can be to “mentor” a special needs child when you understand treating people as individuals and letting go of expectations. I want to post about blame, and shame, and how we all like to think its “mom’s fault”. I would like to blog about shame, expectations, and codependency. I want to talk about the tools we have, and the “lizard brain”, or amygdala. I want to share a concept that was shared with me, and one that I heard someone repeat the concept to, in a very simple way, and how we all have different perceptions. I want to write a letter to all of the folks that I know who are fighting and fighting against simple, honest, real answers. To those who refuse to see whats in front of them, to the “can’t, won’t, but” folks out there. I want to make a plea for Jesus Christ, to those who have been shown, in such a misrepresentative way, what bits and pieces of the Bible say. I want to do so without condemning any organized religion. I want to talk about what it means to love Jesus,and quite frankly, a tiny bit of the anger of the denomination I was primarily raised in, well, that comes through, and I don’t wish to offend anyone. I want to talk to you about health, food, exercise, and a natural way of life, the way God intended.  So much I want to talk with you all about. Where does one start? What do you all want to read about? What are you curious about? Well, friends. Today, you can see, my mind is in a flurry. There is much that wants out, and the avenues for release are scarce at the moment. Until next time my friends…may your thoughts be organized and your days be blessed!

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Dynamics and emotions

What a strange dynamic I am in. It feels as though the worst and best things in my life are happening right now. On the down side, my best friends daughters cancer is back with a vengeance, and that is hard. On the other hand, RMRR is coming to fruition right before my eyes. We are planning to move December 1st, assuming we can find a place. That is so exciting, but it is weighted by the impending future of my little friend. I have learned so much about myself this last few weeks. I have a myriad of emotions that I don’t know how to sort. I have had a string of run in s with bullies, both in my life and in my childs. I feel as though God is trying to teach me to really stand my ground. I am ok at it, but I let people push me around sometimes, and well, I am improving my “standing my ground” skills. I am overwhelmed with a sense of urgency, and there are so many different wavelengths  paths, and thoughts in my head, that I am struggling to compartmentalize them all, even on paper. On the one hand, I am coordinating several fundraisers for my friend, and one the other trying to raise money for my own non profit dreams. It occurs to me that I am on the path to opening a cancer awareness non profit, but that was never in my plans. I guess Gods plans are rarely the same as ours. I have learned that I am incredibly competent at fundraising, that I don’t get stage fright speaking on a stage, to an audience, in a microphone. That was wonderful to learn. I have had so many great epiphanies about my capabilities, but the sadness and guilt that comes when you feel like you are not supposed to be getting so much good out of your friends tragedy. I have had anger, rage, hate, sorrow, joy, giddiness, and hope, shattered and replaced many times, this week. That is just the tip of the iceberg. I think I have used every single emotion I am equipped with , on multiple occasions, this week. I am in a place, where i feel God would not have equipped us with emotions if we werent meant to use them sometimes, and this is the week for emotions. Its slightly reminiscent of being on that bi-polar roller coaster, except that it is triggered by real life events that are beyond my control. Today, I work on my binder, get the new plans up and rolling. My logo is FINISHED! It is so beautiful. Next week I go down and register it. This is all coming together so nicely! Almost there kids…almost. I hope you all have a most blessed weekend! Until next time…

 

Spay/Neuter satisfaction

WooHoo! With two vets today, we managed to spay and neuter a hundred and one animals. We worked hard, it was hot, and everyone was fighting the crabbiness that sets in when heat swelters around you for so many days on end, but we kept a generally positive attitude, through all of the challenges that come with organizing an event like this. Lets face it, you cannot fix that many animals in one day without a few challenges, and today was particularly challenging, but oh man, it is oh so rewarding to go home and think of all the animals that we helped today. Their people are so gracious, most of the time. I could go on and on about my feelings about the different types of pet owners, but maybe not today. What I will say today though, is that I am particularly thankful for pet owners who are patient and compassionate. I am thankful for the ones who are happy to help in any way they can, but I am especially thankful for the ones who are happy to sit there as long as their pet needs to sit. Some people are pulling and tugging their doped up dogs across the floor trying to force their legs to work despite the Ketamine. Some people insist that there is just no way their dog can ride in the front of the car on the way home, some insist all kinds of weird stuff. but most are happy to learn, have questions, want to know what their dogs are going through, and are patient and kind. Those are my very favorite people! Most are thankful. Most are grateful. Most go away with a smile and a gracious thank you. Some do not, but it makes the rest so much easier to appreciate. I love when it feels good to thank them for coming. I love knowing how much difference we made today. I have my hang ups, but this is neither the time nor the place. I do look forward to being in charge of my own stuff in the future more often. The cancer benefit I did for my girl, well, after some time pondering on it, I became blatantly aware of of how generous this community is, and how much I am capable of, and I look forward to being able to pull off events that are as organized at that one was.   One thing I am very pleased about is my wonderful set of volunteers. I have managed to establish a very dependable set of volunteers, who know what they are supposed to be doing and where they belong.  It took years to do, but I am proud of them. I realized that it was a product of being able to weed out the names that are on every volunteer list and call them first for every event. I invited one of them to join the committee tonight. I need help, and that is all there is to it.  Any way you look at it, todays event was fabulous, and I walked away with a great sense of satisfaction, and a strong desire to come home and work on my own non profit programs. Tomorrow.

Today, I am beat. I am tired. I have nothing very sensible to say. I am hot and sticky and I am replaying the event over and over in my head. I have a bunch of details I am hung up on and I really should be writing in my journal so I can put them behind me. Some of the negatives of the event are weighing heavy on me and I need to find a productive way to process them and decide what to do with them. Do I file them away, and continue, or do I remember them, move on in my life, and give this project to someone else? I am pretty sure I am not ready to move on yet. I really love this job. Even on a volunteer basis, I cannot imagine not getting to be in there, recovering all those dogs. It is all worth it for the ten hours I spend recovering and caring for incapacitated dogs. I would pay someone to let me do that…so, I can’t imagine walking away from this opportunity, so I need to figure out how to deal.

I am very thrilled that this event has passed. Some basic clean up stuff tomorrow, return coffee pots, the van, meds, etc. I am ready to wrap it up and call it done, and move forward with this very short, hot summer. I look forward to going to see my mom, but now that the event has passed, its a mere week and a half away, and wow! That is quick. I have a lot to do before I go. Especially if I want to come back and find a ranch asap. All of a sudden my brain is flooded with a whole new series of thoughts. I cannot wait to see my mom. I am looking forward to the fact that we have nothing planned. I love the idea of sitting next to her pond and putting my feet up while the dogs romp and play, and of course, my son will love it in grammas big ole backyard, with trees he can climb and a pond he can play in. Oh it will be so relaxing. No running around, no tourism, just chillin at moms! yay! I love that my mother and I have reached that wonderful place. It takes some mom/daughter teams a lifetime. Some never master it, but my mom…hands down my best friend! It was not so long ago that that was not true. I remember very clearly when my therapist looked at me and said “Oh, it’s always mom’s fault”. She was very condescending. I doubt she meant to be, but wether she was going through something of her own, or just calling it like it is, it stung. She was partially right, and partially wrong. Some stuff simply was moms fault. The big difference between then and now, is that I have learned that mom worked with the tools she had, just like every other person on the planet, and well, what else can I say? Can’t really not forgive a person for anything when you realize that. She did the best she could. She did all she knew how, and even through her failures, she still only wanted what was best for us, even if she didn’t know how to get it or even what it was. I realize now that she never loved anyone like she loved her children, just like every mother. I realize she had a shame platform, much like my own, and as I healed mine, I saw hers unfold in front of me and every “mistake” I ever thought she made, made some sort of sense. I realized that I took stuff personal that she was not even aware she was doing, and now, I realize its not personal, and ask her if it is a behavior she is aware of. It is lovely! We are honest and candid with each other, on a deep and trusting level, for the first time ever, and in the last five years. It makes me feel joyous inside! I look forward to going home, to say the least, but really only want to see my mom. I suppose I have friends who will be angry, or have hurt feelings, if I don’t call them. I will try my best to be a good friend, but I am really going to see mom. She is sick, and feels like crap. Aside from the fact that my brother lives in Wisconsin, neither my brother or sister is really a “nurturer” type. There are things that would help her, that she just doesn’t have the energy to do for herself, and I can run some errands for her, pick up some health food supplements, you know simple stuff. Help with laundry, dinner, and some vacuuming. Whatever I can help with will make me happy, even if it seems like menial tasks, because I know how exhausting the menial can be when you are broken.

Ok, I think my brain is drained. I need to go wash off this sticky. My boys almost asleep, mutts are fed and pottied, and I think it is safe to hop in the shower and forget about it for a minute. Many blessings, my friends.

Released

So, after what feels like the longest period of rest in my life, I believe that I have finally been released from it. I woke up the other morning, with a sudden realization of what was causing this pain to persist, and got it all fixed up. I am so thankful for the release, but now that I think about it, I wonder how busy God plans to make me, the next several months. That is a long time to rest. Regardless, I am done resting, but still moving caution and awareness. I feel like I have been given the go- ahead to move forward with my rescue ranch plans, and I have a general feeling of  “Wheee….here we go..!” Hubby and I are on the search for the perfect little start-up ranch, we decided to rent for a few years before we buy, for a whole host of reasons.

I am back up in my kitchen again, and it feels so good to be baking, cooking, and preserving again. I have limited food to preserve, since there is no garden this year, but I still love to go to costco and get big packages of fruit and turn them into fruit leather. Yum! Grape takes an incredibly long time to dry! It feels good, really good, to see some of me coming out again. I have a desire to craft and I have a major quilt bug going on too. I am very excited at the prospect of moving forward with rescue ranch plans into a tangible place! I would be so thrilled to have a foster kid by Christmas!

My girlfriend with the baby girl who is fighting kidney cancer is home, and that is so incredibly exciting! I have not seen them for nine months. Her daughter was given some low number, like 30% odds, of beating this disease, and today she is cancer free. We keep her in our prayers, as there is a high likelihood of reoccurence, but what a delight to see her smiling face. Her biggest struggle right now is learning to eat solids again, and it is a real challenge. Her stomach does not know what to do with them, so it hurts to eat. The very first thing she did when she got to my house was ask for food! You as a reader, cannot possibly know how much I love to feed people, or how instantly flattered I was when she asked me to make her Banana bread! I went on a banana bread frenzy yesterday, and I am happy to say that I have one very large loaf in my freezer for her, and she has one very large loaf to work through. I also made a couple large loaves for my family.  My girl didn’t want nuts in hers, but she really needs the protein, says mom. So, hers are special, with the finest ground nuts you can imagine . In all, I made four batches of banana bread yesterday, and had I used a regular sized pan, I would have had 8 loaves. Wow….that is a lot of banana bread for one little girl. Oops, I realized later how happy I was to be doing anything for her at all. She asked if she could eat in my living room. I told her that for the rest of her life she could do whatever she wanted in my house, because she is my hero. I meant it. She is a good girl…well, except she can’t tell her mom no. That rules till applies to every child in my home. As un-progressive as it is as a parenting technique, and I am pretty well trained in brand new parenting techniques, well, I still find it to be true. You respect your mother and do what she asks. If you disagree, you may discuss it, but you may not say no or be disrespectful. Obviously, if a mother was asking her child to do something ridiculous or dangerous in my home, I would put a stop to it, but kids these days have no respect for adults. It blows my mind when I see the way some of my clients treat their parents.

I am hung up on the times around us. I have recently become blatantly aware of how many people think we live in a democracy. I think I learned that we live in a Republic when I was in the 7th grade. I am amazed how many people are unaware that this grand Ole United States of America is in a state of martial law, and we have been since 2001. I wonder how many people realize the ramifications of socialized healthcare. I used to support it, but a little research, and the state of our medical structure in the US scares the daylights out of me. I am aware of these “drones” that can be as small as mosquitoes or as large as a helicopter that are watching us, and now they are talking about arming them with rubber missiles and tear gas. I am as partriotic as a girl can get. My father fought in the Vietnam war and my grandaddy in wars before him. I cry when I hear the Star Spangled Banner, and I ache for our troops and their families. I am also, for the first time in my adult life, facing an election that I don’t want to join. Everything about the American in me says I have to vote. I HAVE TO! I mean, its what we do. However, how? who? really, I HAVE to? I just am so tired of listening to everyone complain about the President. First of all, we live in a system of checks and balances, and he can’t do anything without a whole slew of other people voting right along side him. Second of all, it doesnt matter who the president is, you never hear people saying, “Well, look what a good job our president is doing” Essentially, running for president seems like a job application to be the countries scapegoat while the congress and house of representatives quietly destroy our government. Now, I do not claim to be educated about government or politics, but I am just speaking, ranting rather, from my heart. Everyone complaining about Obama kills me. Not because I feel one way or the other about Obama, but because not only did most of the complainers vote for him, but everybody thinks they want change until they get it. Can you remember the last time you saw a huge change among masses of people without a great deal of resistance. People want change, until it means they have to change what they are used to, then forget it, who is this fool trying to change the way we do things. Bunch of hypocrisy if you ask me. Not that you did. I kinda took it upon myself to share, huh?

Someone said to me the other day. We need a woman president, but NOT Hillary Clinton. I stopped and said, wait. If not Hillary, than who? Martha? Oprah? I mean, plain and simple, it takes a person of a certain personality type to run for president, and anyone who does, woman or man, is going to have that same cut-throat, get to the top type of personality. The person I was talking to hadn’t considered that, but neither do the rest of the world who think a woman would do better. I am not saying she wouldn’t, I am saying that it takes a certain level of power hunger to want to be president.

So I am in a strange place, because I am in a place where I am facing things I have always refused to face…meaning end times stuff. I am not gullible, and I don’t jump on end of the world bandwagons, however, I am starting to feel like that person. I am seeing Revelations come true before my eyes. I half expect the Rapture to happen any moment. I wonder if God will take us before, or leave us here to guide the ones who are lost? I wonder if people are aware of those flying little drones, and of the mark of the beast. Do you all know that family in Florida that is microchipped? It is here! I hate it that it is here, because I don’t want to jump on that bandwagon, but I cannot deny it any more! Cameras on every corner, govt failing…and we are so closely heading toward a one world rule… I keep thinking its NATO. I wonder how much longer the US govt will make it. It can’t be long, at the rate things are going now. How do I talk to anyone about this without them secretly thinking I am one of them tin-foil hat junkies or that I think zombies are coming. I am not, and I don’t. What I do think though, is that God is getting  ready to give the Earth to Jesus, and it is going to get very messy getting there.

I feel a sense of pressure to get the rescue ranch up and running in time, and really, to make the preparations we need to make to be ready for whatever may happen. Whatever it is, it is here, and it is starting, and it is going to be really ugly. I also feel a sense of peace, knowing that God will make sure we have all we really need to do His will before that time comes, or as we need it.

I used to think I was a heat person. It could be a hundred degrees and I didn’t care, but I hated cold. Well, let me tell you how much that has changed. I CAN”T STAND the heat. YUCK!  I used to love it. Now, the cool comes and I get excited. Snow falls and I get frisky and wanna bundle up and take my dogs out for a good romp in it. I mentioned this to a healthcare professional once, and she told me that I would change me preferences every 7-10 years until I was sixty or so. That was an interesting tidbit, but I gotta say, today, I am not a fan of this incredible heatwave that is slowly passing through. It makes me nauseous, gives me a headache, and robs me of what little appetite I have. Bring on Fall!

Despite my rantings, I am in a fabulous mood. It is nice to be up cooking and baking and feeling like myself again. I have been through a crazy whirlpool of health issues the last six months, but I am finally up and moving again, and I couldn’t be more pleased. It is amazing the little things you take for granted till you can’t do them. It is so incredibly nice to be functional again. Thank You Lord!

I know it has been a while, but I think I am up and moving again, and the next few months should be quite the adventure as we find a little ranch or farm to get started on. I can’t wait to share it with you all. Until next time, have a blessed day!

 

The kings daughter…

I fought a war against co-dependency, and I won. I fought a battle against poverty, and I won. I went to combat against mental health instability, and I won. I spent years of my life in boot camp, training in all the right moves to conquer the evil that gets deep under out skin, and I spend my life as a drill instructor, teaching, training, drilling people to understand their worth. I beg, I plead, I empathize and I spend my days praying that others will see how beautiful they are, how much more they deserve. I want people to see themselves the way God see’s them. I want them to understand His love the way that they love their own children. I want them to all see how He looks down upon us, His children, the way we look down on our own children. I want them to know that unconditional love. I want every woman to know that she is the kings daughter! That SHE is a princess, and deserves to be treated like one. I spend my days trying to convince overwhelmed and under appreciated moms and sisters that THEY are princesses…daughters to the king…who else do they need to impress? Meanwhile…it has become very clear to me that I never learned how to treat myself like a princess, like the daughter that I am, washed in his blood and deserving of the throne, through His grace and forgiveness. I want others to understand that this is His gift to us. How is it that I can devote my life to helping other women break free from their chains, while I am still tied to this condemnation of self. When do I learn that I too, deserve those very things that I am pleading with others to receive for themselves? Maybe I already know, but I sure do struggle with implementing a plan. Today, I made a new category, because yesterday I made a new rule. I will be spending time pampering ME. What a strange concept…spend money to get my hair done, I can hardly imagine that being ok for me. Other folks do it all the time, but I, myself, do not splurge like that. Eight dollars to go swimming in some healing mineral waters…are you kidding me, that seems like highway robbery. Even if it is one of my favorite pastimes, we can’t afford for me to blow 8 dollars on a frivolous day of soaking and swimming! What a waste of money…  this is a typical conversation in my head, when I want to do something for me. Why is it that I think that I am not worth the 8 dollars to spend an afternoon in some healing water, or even fifty, for a haircut?  Why have I abandoned my stretching mat and candlelit meditations? Why do I quietly wish someone else would notice I am a good, hardworking, albeit tired, person, and deserving of a break? Why should they recognize that if I don’t? I feel as though I recognize the tired part all of the time, sleeping doesn’t make it better. I have been told three times, by three different people, that I deserve a break, a healing break. Not the kind of rest you get when your sick, but a healing and rejuvenating vacation, was what one lady said. I have never done that, and cannot imagine what it must feel like? I have spent 30 years taking care of other people, putting everyone before myself. I have learned how to weed out the ones worth putting before me, and the ones who are not, and so I claim to have broken the co-dependent cycle. I realize, this week, that I only let go of part of that co-dependency baggage, and the rest I am carrying like a weight I refuse to let go of.  I am spiritually healthier than I have ever been, mentally, as well. I feel balanced and in control of my “life”. I quote life because for me being in control of my life means that I have faith that God is in control, and as long as I trust Him and keep moving forward, life will be grand.

The health problems I have encountered have put this into grand perspective for me this past week, and I realized that I need to treat myself like that princess I am talking about. I need to pamper myself as though my life depends on it. I am pretty convinced this week that it does. I realized that stress takes a toll on me unlike the average person, due to my highly sensitive nature. I process stress like a poison. It shuts me down. Every muscle in my body aches, every day. I have digestive issues, oral health issues, and now female health issues. I don’t have the option of setting my pain aside anymore, as I literally feel like I am rotting from the inside out! My body seems to be attacking me! I have always told women who run themselves too hard, that if they don’t rest, God will force it on them. I don’t really believe that He brings the darkness of sickness to his children, but I believe He can get you through it. It’s just my way of saying, if you don’t rest, you will be forced to. Well, here I am staring my own stubborn desire to put it aside and keep going, in the face. Makes me feel pretty hypocritical. How on earth can I stare these women in the faces and tell them to take care of themselves when I am not doing the same for me? I try to demand it, but I never actually do it.

So here I am today, I have spent the last three days in deep contemplation, about why I don’t know these things, and how to learn them. I am really thankful for the internet as a research tool. It gives me endless hours of looking for ways to put my plan into effect. I have spent years learning about home remedies and spa products, to try to figure out my health problems. They all feel great, but I never considered the health problems could be related to lack of decompression time, which is pretty ridiculous given who I am and the amount of time I spend researching things like sensitive personalities and complaining about how fast life is today. I can tell you I process stress through my stomach, but have been searching and searching for answers to my digestive issues for over thirty years. Hmmm…left the logic at home on this one, huh? Oh, I have physical symptoms as well. It’s a blood type thing, not making the digestive enzymes I need to process food. I got it figured out, but don’t feel a lot better. Gee, could stress be the problem? I made rules about stress this weekend though, and I am putting my stubborn foot down and sticking to my guns on this one! I will learn to take care of myself. I will learn to meet my own needs first (or at least second or third). First and foremost, I will be requiring some pampering! There is just no question about that. As soon as I started looking for ways to spoil myself, I was motivated. I started thinking first about a haircut, a cute one, not just a trim, which, by the way, I do myself in my own bathroom. I am going to get a hairstyle, and I am excited about that! It made me want to go through all of my old make-up, get rid of the old, yucky, and take an inventory. I decided I would dress up one day a week. I love my comfy clothes, but often wish I had a reason to put on more fancy clothes and go out. Who needs a reason? I am going to wear my heels and pretty make-up sometimes, if only for my husband and son. If only for myself. Today, I am going to splurge, spend the 8 bucks, and do some serious warm spring water soaking, and oh my, I am nearly in happy tears at the thought. I won’t lie, I cried when I told my husband I was doing it. He is such a good man. He was very supportive, at least of the ideas. We shall see when it comes time for me to put them in action. So far, so good!

I have made it my mission to get healthy, To get me healthy and meet my needs, and as I learn how to do that, I am going to share it here with you. Some of it may seem simple, and silly, but I am just an infant in this world. Realizing I do deserve a professional haircut was a huge step for me, or that I could spend eight dollars to go swimming. So, I am off for a soak in some hot springs, and let me tell you…I have no guilt whatsoever about it! Have a nice day all, and remember, God gave you blessings so you would utilize them…enjoy something nice for yourself today! It doesn’t have to be expensive, just relaxing! It doesn’t have to take a long time, 15 minutes in a hot Epsom salt bath is wonderful! Do you have a candle? Light it! Count your blessings, thank God for them, and then enjoy them!

 

Adjusting…or loss and growth

Well, I never imagined I would have so much time on my hands without my husband here. I have been such a lazy bum the last few days. I feel no pressure to get anything done (this is NOT a good thing), and I feel like I am walking around in a daze. I have spent some time reflecting on my loneliness the last day or two. I am happy, content, not feeling like I need to ‘hang’ with anyone. I am enjoying loneliness very much. I didn’t even know that you could enjoy loneliness, but I am. I have had a ton of health problems the last few years, and someone recently said to me that I needed a rest. Not the kind of rest you need when you are sick, but the rejuvenating rest you get on vacation. I spent some time thinking on that, and realized that I don’t think I have ever had that. It occurred to me that you all may hear a lot from me, with my husband gone, and it looks like I am finding truth in that thought. I spent a minute today thinking about my desire to chat it up, with a gal who understands me. They are all gone…kind of. In order to deliver today’s thoughts, I have to give a LOT of background on myself, so please bear with me as I explore things I have left alone for years. First, let me explain in very simple terms, I am not one to cry at good-byes. Don’t get me wrong, I cry. I cry when I need to. I am a highly sensitive person. I have been meaning to make a tab on my blog for Highly Sensitive Personalities for a long time now. It is a real condition, it does exist, and there are a lot of people who possess highly sensitive personalities. Beautiful things hit me in the chest like a ton of bricks, as do terrible things. Look at the humanitarians in your life. It is very likely that at least some of them are HSP’s. If you are reading my blog, and interested in what I have to say, you may be an HSP. I think it is a privilege and a gift from God. But, back to my point about crying at good-byes. I am not sure if it has to do with the overwhelming amount of death in my childhood, or with faith, or just simply that I did a lot of the leaving, but whatever it is, it works for me. It started when I was seven, the death rate in my life. I am so thankful that God gave me the tools that He did, and I imagine he did that because only He could know I would need them. Remember that I consider myself blessed to be able to take positives away from a situation. I believe that is the tool that got me through my childhood. Looking back, it was the only chance I had at survival. I realize now, that He prepared me for everything I needed to get here, and spend the rest of my life glorifying Him. What else could a woman ask for? So, a brief history of my childhood. I had a hard time, but I was convinced that so many people had it so much worse. That was my mantra, my go to phrase, and my get me through it. It could be worse…

I had a roof over my head, clothes on my back, a family that loved me, and food in my mouth. I thought my needs were met. Little did I know, you also need validation, trust, a safe place, parents who will stand up for you, respect, and the chance to be a child. As an adult, I have become thoroughly educated on the finer needs in life, and I spend my days passionately trying to validate other people, help them see their shame platforms, and help them realize that they were created perfectly by God, and to believe otherwise is a great insult to Him. To let other people tell them otherwise is an injustice to the self. That is where my joy comes from. The Bible tells me that the only one I have to please is God. There is a level of safety in that, that I just cannot put into words. But, I digress. I never imagined I would have a passion for PTSD in children, but looking back, it is clear God prepared me to help a lot of people with that one. I have even been asked to write a book about it by my sons therapist! Talk about flattering, if you can use that word to describe God’s work through a person. He trusts me with the little ones. That nearly brings me to tears! When I look at my life, I realize that He trusts me with the damaged, the weak, the injured, the sick, and the just plain needy. I am so blessed! He directed my life to a place where I would be in a position to do the work that really matters. He gave me the responsibility of understanding compassion, validation, trust, faith…all of the skills necessary to save the lost. I didn’t even realize it was happening till it was here. I always said He had great plans for me, because there was no other reason for me to go through all of these trials, tribulations, learning situations and so much misery if not. But I did not realize I had arrived until I was standing in the middle of it! What a beautiful realization! The PTSD in my life starts young, as an infant. My parents both had their own shame platforms, and drugs and excessive alcohol were most certainly the influencing factor in my early years. I lost my father to drunk driving when I was seven. I think that is the day I knew God, but it was not until much later that I admitted it to myself. God protected me from even that event. I was at my grandmothers house when it happened. She was the ONLY Christian in my life. My grandmother was Catholic, and despite my misgivings about some Catholic “laws”, she was a true and devout Christian. I cannot thank her enough for that now! My would be step-father moved in when my dad had been gone two weeks. I was yanked away from my biological family to another state far away, with no explanation. By the third grade I had attended six schools. From that point on, I had experience after experience with death. My very first grade school boyfriend was shot in a gang war (and we didn’t even have ghettos or gangsters where we lived. It was a quaint little midwest town, even rated #1 while I lived there). Another friend has a brain aneurism from a drug overdose, gramma and grampa, great aunt and uncle. I watched them pass one at a time. Soon I learned that death was inevitable, a fact of life. By the time my very best friend in the whole world died of cancer, I was praying for God to take her. She was an angel, too good for this word anyway, and she did not deserve the suffering! I was so incredibly relieved when she passed, and this is when I knew I had fully accepted death! I have quite the gang of angels, let me tell you! I still cry cause I miss her…It took me years. I didn’t cry because she had passed, but I would love her to meet my son, and my dad too. I cry occasionally for my own selfish reasons…but I am glad they are in a better place. Oh boy, it is going to take a long time to get through this, I keep getting distracted.

When I was twenty six, I went to my first wedding. I realized that I had been to more funerals than I could count on all of my toes and fingers, but this was my first wedding. I felt a bit gypped that day! I remember my pity party quite clearly. I am an expert in saying good-bye. We moved to that far away state, and I was pretty much prohibited from talking about my daddy I had lost, or any of his family members. I had nine aunties and uncles, most of them I was very close to, all gone in one swift move. Trust me, as an adult, I had a  lot of anger and resentment to work through, especially for my mother and step father. I grew up with an abusive step father and an alcoholic mother. The only thing my step dad didn’t do was hit me. Verbally, and sexually, he abused me repeatedly. I was a grade A student, never skipped a day of school in my life, till I was seventeen, when I realized I had been going about it all wrong. All I wanted was to hear my mom and dad say they were proud of me. I did everything I could to please them. I never heard those words. I heard about how I was going to be a drug addict, barefoot and pregnant, waste of life. I heard about how bad I was all the time. He even made fists and told me it was my fault he started smoking again. Thankfully, I was smart…I didn’t lose that. I told him that he was an adult and I didn’t make him do anything! I dared him to punch me. It would have been a way to get him in prison without shaming my family with the sexual abuse. If I could take sexual abuse and verbal abuse every day for eleven years, then I could certainly take a punch! I told my mom when I was seventeen, like most mothers, she chose not to protect me. We have since mended most of those broken fence posts, although there may be one or two remaining. I am not sure. I guess I have mended those, she just started therapy, so she has some mending to do and I imagine with that will come a conversation or two that is healing for me. I had a very strict schedule, and was very limited in activities outside the home. I understand now it was a control issue on his part, and a money issue on my mom’s part, but at the time, I just thought they didn’t like me. This is when I started journaling. I am thankful for the tool of words! We got through the drama of all of that, all the while, I went through life with the nickname SMILEY. I always had a smile on my face, never cried. The more I hurt, the bigger I smiled. When I was nineteen, I ran away to another state far away with a good friend. That is where I started over. That is when my life began! I wonder if she has any idea the role she had in saving my life. I guess I had better tell her! I realized I had not cried…ever. I could not remember my last tear shed. I started crying, and I could not hold it back. I have never stopped. I searched and searched for answers to my heartache for years. I was a social butterfly, which is the whole entire point of this post. I had a ton of friends, everywhere I went. I fit into every social category, and was rarely not included in an activity. I spent years chasing fun, afraid to miss out on something, but I was depressed, and bi-polar as all get out. I later learned that the birth control I went on when I was nineteen had a HUGE role in the bi-polar tendencies, meanwhile, it really aggravated the situation! If you have bi-polar, and are on a hormonal birth control, get off, right away! The tri-cyclic hormones mimic the bi-polar cycle. You will find a huge change in your ability to control emotions. I also had the dumb luck to see a therapist, in my ten years of therapy with various individuals, who in a very short time, taught me three tools to happiness, and they work. I will go into more detail another time, but they including “shoulding all over myself and other people”, learning that five bad minutes only wrecks five minutes of my day, not the whole day, and walking to stimulate the amygdala when I am upset…to get the living hormones going and the fight or flight ones to stop. It is not healthy to live in a constant state of fight or flight, you have to physically get yourself out of that place, and hard walking does it. It was my sons therapist who really changed my life for the long haul. She taught me how I should be treated, what co-dependency is, what I have to tolerate from people, and what I don’t have to tolerate. I must have been a good student, because not only did she ask me to write a book, I am now being represented under her license to work with traumatized kids that she refers to me. That is huge growth. I went from thinking I was not good enough to deserve the basic right of respect, even though all i did was try to be good enough. I broke myself trying to be good enough. I spent years in rebellion, when I realized my parents didn’t want me to be good enough. When I realized I was going abou tit all wrong, what I cam e to was that my parents told me every day I was a loser. They didn’t want to be proud of me, they wanted a drug addict, trailer trash, drop out…so fine, that is what I would give them. I abandoned my education in my senior year, started skipping school, doing drugs, and having sex. If there was a way to rebel I would find it. I had, after all, finally figured out how to make my parents proud of me! Or so I thought. Thus began a downward spiral in my life. One that led to rock bottom, and ultimately, to Jesus. I dug that hole for years, and years, and years. I just kept going deeper, never finding the treasure at the bottom of that hole. I became a single parent. I never really understood it until a good Christian put it in perspective for me.

I tried my hand at college, but not understanding that my child had special needs, I thought I was a terrible parent. I could not keep a job or get to class. I was a straight a student when I made it, but it was just too much for me. I wondered how other mommies did it. I just couldn’t understand how I could be this smart and still fail time and time again, until the therapist put my son in perspective for me. We got some testing and diagnosing done. I had always known there was a creator, but I refused to call it God, because of the social stigma related with that name, and the only influence I had was at a prominent catholic church. I refused to believe God would not love me because I wore jeans or patent leather shoes. I denied Him for years. I also refused to go to a church for help because I felt that it would be sacrilegious to take help from a church while denying God. One day I got so low, I had no choice. I attended the church I planned to call two Sunday’s in a row, decided I could appreciate this new take on God, and called them for help. They opened their arms to me, and really helped me out. I sat down after that first meeting, with tears streaming down my face, at the end of my bed. I put my arms up in the air, and said “that’s it God, I cannot do this by myself anymore. I am giving it to you”. Wow! I cannot even express the way my heart opened up that day. I can’t explain the change that took place in me. My life has blossomed since that day, and I owe it all to one man, who opened my heart to the idea that God could save me. When I dropped out of school, I got a job on a ranch. I met the most amazing Christian I have ever known that day. He didn’t judge me, he talked to me. He heard my story and told me his perspective without judgement. When I told him that I wondered what on earth made me think I wanted to be a single mom, he said, well look what the men in your life have done to you. I know why you chose that path. I guess you don’t know yet, that at 22 I decided I wanted a baby, and the way the world was going, it was easier to be a single mom anyway, and I didn’t want a dad in my child’s life. I even told three people I felt that way, and every single one of them supported me. Even I could see I was trying to find someone to tell me not to do it, but they all supported me wholeheartedly. What in the world…? so, I got rid of my very awesome and respectful boyfriend, and got me a loser! Unfortunately, he stuck around, and that led to my child having to be exposed to such things as meth and violence in his fathers home. I have to just tell myself that God has a plan for him, just like I did when I was going through my own childhood hell. The fact that this eighty year old devout Christian could love and respect me, and even understand and tell me why I did what I did, made me realize there might be something to this Christianity thing. When he talked about the Bible, he talked about love, trust, forgiveness…not the horrible things people try to use to condemn the Bible. I have since learned how to understand some of those horrible things, and they are often taken greatly out of context, in my humble opinion. I am thankful for eyes that read the Bible an translate it to interpret love. I suppose I ought to get to the point one of these days.

When I first found my son’s therapist, she taught me a lot of the very same things I learned as a dog handler with stressed out dogs. It is pretty amazing how child rearing and healthy household dynamics are much like healthy dog packs. I think dogs have the heart of Jesus. They love unconditionally, punish swiftly and get on with it. They forgive quickly, and they forgive everything. They don’t turn their backs on you. Dogs…Jesus, just think about it. So, much in common that I think God gave us dogs as an every day reminder of TRUE, UNCONDITIONAL love.I use my dogs, when I work with problem dogs, to train said dog, while I train the handler (that is the trick to good dog handling and good child rearing, train the handler). This week, that same therapist made a comment about how good my Aspergers son is a t socializing other Aspergers children, and she is sending us another client for him to socialize. Like I said, just like dog handling. I use my mutts in my training. I never imagined my son would be such an important part of parent training!

When I decided to grab the codependency bull by the horns and reign him into submission, I had to drastically change my habits…finally getting to the point. This was the hardest part of my recovery. I had to quit going to the bar (I went to the bar to be sober and drive people home at the end of the night, how bad could that be for me?) Right, I didn’t drink, so it wasn’t that. I was afraid to miss something. I sobbed and sobbed about how these people were my friends if I came to the bar, but they wouldn’t come to me in my house when I was home with my child. I went when he was with his dad. As a matter of fact, most of them have had nothing or little to do with me since I stopped going to the bar, and I guess I have learned to balance and accept that, and have even come to a place where I want nothing to do with people who only want to hang out at the bar. It is the best feeling. When I told the therapist through tears that I was a social butterfly and I didn’t know how to live without out all of these people in my life, she put my reclusive nature into perspective for me in a big way.  She told me it was coping mechanism. I went back to the bar one day for a special thing that one of my friends was doing, and I can say, that even though I did not have one drink, I felt truly hung over the next day, and I understood what the bar was doing to me. Especially as a sensitive person, I was absorbing all of that terrible energy. I avoid the bar at all costs now. I don’t want to feel that way again. I had been using social time to survive all these years. I had become dependent on other people needing me. Oh dear! This is not healthy. I realized that in high school, I was up and out of the house and at school with a smile on my face every day. I realized school was much better than home, and I loved it, and all of the nice people there. No one insulted me, touched me, abused me, violated me. School was my safe place. To think I almost threw it all away in my senior year. I am so glad I made it through that very tough time

Today, my friends get upset with me because I won’t come to them. I won’t go to the bar and to their parties. They do not understand what I have learned. They think there is something wrong with me, or I am depressed or something. I am the happiest I have ever been. I blow it off, because it is not them I aim to please. The ones who get it, come to me or hang out with me in their houses or at the park, or in the woods. I am no longer stressed over friendships lost because I don’t go to the bar. So, people come, and people go. I am happy with my solitude. Today I find myself lonely. In a good way, mostly. I used to have a lot of friends, but I have since scaled down my social connections. I have a few good friends, whom I can count on when I need them and not just when they need me. I don’t struggle with good-byes. I know if they are worth being sad over, I will see them again. My bestest friend in the whole world is fighting cancer with her daughter. They are far away an another state with a good children’s hospital. She gets me to the core. She never judges, and is just plain awesome anytime. I miss her so much. In the last six months, all three of my other close girlfriends have moved out of state. I did not struggle with a single one of them leaving, but as a whole, I feel like the people who most understand me are all very far away, and I am very lonely to just talk life through. I have had a ton of goings on in my life, and now even my husband is far away. I enjoy loneliness, but I fear that I will talk the ears off of almost any adult at this time (or reader of my blog, lol). I am word girl. I talk, I write, I sing. Words are what I do. I love comfortable silence, and I am enjoying my loneliness, but I really do need some good woman time with my dearest friend. I guess I feel like I have stuff too, but everyone else has more important stuff, and I sit quietly, waiting for my turn to have worries to share, and wondering if I will even be able to remember them all by the time I can share them with someone. I am feeling a little trapped in my brain with health concerns for myself, and who do I share them with? I am feeling excited about how close I am to Rocky Mountain Rescue Ranch, and who do I share that with? I am excited about my Bible Study on James…I want to talk to someone on a peer level about it. But who? I want to have someone’s ideas about things I am processing through, but who do I bounce them off of?  I have behaved for the last three days, as if this is that vacation that my friend spoke of. I have spent three days doing very little but thinking and wishing that I had someone to bounce it all off of. Someone in particular, who gets it, and me. Who I don’t have to give a background to, or who won’t interrupt before the thought is through, to tell me how it will fail. I just want to spend a few minutes with someone I can let my guard down with. I want to tell someone I am worried about things. Instead, I smile and say “good”, when people ask how I am. It is true. I am good, and none of them are people I want to share the worries with. They are just the day to day worries of a woman, but as far as I can tell, we all need someone to share those worries with. I want to tell someone about my new progress on the rescue ranch without having to give them the whole danged background story first. I usually never get to the point anyway, cause I get distracted on the details. A lot of people have advice on it, and some have even taken my explanation as an invitation to start this ranch with me. Not that I  have ever given anyone that impression intentionally. I don’t believe in going into business with friends, and if God wants them there, He will put them there when the time is right. One person had the nerve to tell me she was going to start it and hand it over to me when I was ready and this is how it was going to run. She and I don’t really speak much any more. Holy cow, dear readers. I have been sitting here a while. I think I made it to my point inadvertently, and I have responsibilities, so I will have to be back later with more. If I try to proofread now, I will be here all day adding and rewording stuff, so bear with me if you get to editing errors before I do. At very least, you got to see what my brain does when I go too long without adult conversation. Have a nice night all, and I will elaborate more later… until then, God bless.

 

Rested and recovered

Ahhh…much better. I spent most of yesterday and even part of today laying around or sleeping. I feel pretty rested, but also overwhelmed. I feel somewhat restless, but don’t seem to have any focus. Most of today is a blur, but I did stay productive for a good portion of it. I am feeling pretty desperate for some kind of direction, and I don’t know where to focus. My spay/neuter coordinator called me today to tell me she wants to do a fundraiser to try to get a new van for the spay/neuter task force. I told her we just had to pick something and do it. I also started a cookbook project with my little friends dad, both to raise money for her medical costs, and to raise cancer awareness. We are going to make a cancer fighting recipes cookbook in honor of my friend. I never imagined I would be so involved with cancer awareness, but it seems as though that is going to become a big part of my life for the rest of my life. It seems completely feasible that Rocky Mountain Rescue Ranch could easily add a couple of annual cancer awareness fundraisers. Two a year would be pretty awesome. Heck, one a year would be great. Especially if the ranch I envision purchasing is in the plan. I don’t know if it is or not, but I just keep thinking it would be perfect. I wonder if I can sell my crafts successfully. I guess I need to get time to finish making them first. I have a feeling that things are going to get less productive before they get more productive. I think the benefit was refreshing, but I also feel more confused than ever. I have so many things I want to focus on. I want to tell people what a Highly sensitive person is. I want to educate people about food and health. I want to educate people about PTSD and Shame. I want to tell people about God’s wonder and awesomeness! I want to daydream about my future, and I want to work toward it too.. I feel a bit stuck in that regard. I don’t know how to move forward form where I stand. I had a hugely successful evening on Saturday, but now what. I am doing a bunch of great stuff for my little friend, and I know that a side effect of that is that it gives me skills and connections that will be highly beneficial for me at the rescue ranch, but none of it helps me to move forward in securing a piece of land, and getting a ranch established, so that leaves me wondering what I am missing. I have a myriad of things I want to do, I need to do, and I have to do…and yet, I can’t figure out what is most important to focus on, plus, I feel like my world that was slightly upside down, is about to be pure chaos. I am a highly senstive person. I need down time. I already feel the stress of lack of space where I can get the peace and quiet “recoup” time that I so crave and require to function effectively. I feel energy pouring out the bottom of my feet in a way that only happens when I am really abundant in energy. Decompression is crucial, and if I don’t figure that out soon I will become pretty ineffective. At this moment I feel like I am walking around in a cloud of energy, and I am happy to say that it is energy soaked up at a very positive and love filled event, and so I am really kinda being carried by that energy. When that fades I am going to crash hard! I would like to be able to take preventative measures and prevent that from happening, but when I woke up today, I had nothing to do Wednesday through Saturday, away from the home. By noon I was booked for Wed, Thurs, and Friday. Umm… That is going to hurt by next week, and I don’t foresee routine or the big change I am hoping for coming fast or without some big struggle… I am sure the abundance will play out in a positive way, but I am at a point where I am a little concerned about my mental health if I don’t get away from it all for a minute…or thirty. If you are curious about the highly sensitive personality, you can follow this link to learn more.  http://www.hsperson.com/ It also goes hand in hand with blood type diet, and that is another issue I would like to discuss here. I feel a need to prioritize all of my goals, dreams, and ambitions, so I can figure out how to move forward. My husband has come across an opportunity that could be outstanding, and answer a big question I had about what he would do on the rescue ranch. I can see how this opportunity could fit very well if it pans out for him. It could also mean a long wait. I just don’t know what I am supposed to do. I also feel a slight frustration with the foster care/respite care situation, because I don;t know how to do it in this house. I won’t be able to pass the inspection I need to get the licensing in this house, I don’t have the necessary extra bedroom, much less the right stuff, like fire extinguisher, and the means to lock up all meds. I don’t know exactly what to do about this, and I don’t know how to get the stuff done in our current situation. I feel that it is nearly impossible for me to get that certification in this house, and finding a way to move forward is key in that goal. It seems that the more I crave and strive for routine, the more monkey wrenches get thrown in my plan. It seems like when I had routine, I thought I was bored, and since life got a little more busy, I can’t get a minute of routine to save myself. I am desperate for so many things, and I have no idea which one to tackle first. I also want to spend some time on my organizing and cleaning projects, and some pamper time for me with all my lovely homemade bath and body products. How do I prioritize them all? Even when I make a schedule, I find a bunch of distractions take away form that. Maybe that is what this phase is about, learning how to move forward and minimize distractions. I am gonna chew on that for a while. Well, it’s late. I should get some rest. Big Tuesday tomorrow, and I have not even started my Bible Study homework yet. Home my little one sleeps tomorrow.  Well, beddy by time. Sweet dreams and God bless you all!